hush golden marionette

2006-11-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

iv'e been so broke latley, going entire weeks without spending money on anything almost.

its hard. but not as hard as i expected

we found an apartment. still need to sign the lease sometime this week, the landlord claims the stove needs to be cleaned. but it's an awesome location. and everyone is happy with it.

deedee's parents are giving us a shit load of stuff.

i should be so excited about this , but i feel so emotionally drained latley. and dizzy a lot.

i am scared, about so many differant things that might happen. (but i will try my best to make the best and hope nothing bad happens) and i really want to try to get into the post office in saginaw. but i don't want to try ..and ruin my chances with living here in bay city. i really miss school too, i really want to get into college, but i still have to wait it out a little bit longer.
this life thing sucks very much.

i finally watched the L word season 3 disk 1 last night with deedee. it was disappointing.

and it only made me think more and more on how i want to feel desired again.

maybe i shouldn't of said that. but i need a true spark sometime soon. or else im gonna make myself fat again. really really fuckin fat i say. and i wont care anymore. and i will just beat the shit out of my face. i will.

no more drugs.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=yourlists_pop_1/102-4392653-6398517

2006-10-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

im having a serious nose bleed. my mouth tastes like blood.

this has never happened before. i don't enjoy it.

deedee has been badly sick the past few days, probably the most sick i have ever seen her. i feel bad for her.

her and brad and I are soon to move into a place together. so the plan is spoken about.

i got 50 hours this past week.

oh and i know what i want for christmas already, besides the the nice sheets deedee's not getting me.

galaxy express 999 on DVD dubbed in english.

or even vhs though i can't find it cheaper than 70 dollars.

matter of factly i looked all over the internet and could only find about 2 for purchasing.

2006-08-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

i suppose you've decided you're not gonna reply back to my emails too now.

paul got a fuckin koi tattoo, oh and kendra got one awhile ago.

they're sweet though, why wouldn't they be

deedee got hired somewhere, and go ta call for an interview the same day, yesterday

i have 340 left to pay in fines.

i have 5 bucks for the rest of the week,

there is nothing to eat at my house.
iv'e been depending on eating at work and fast food and it's getting me fat.

my mom told me to find another place to live.

i let one of my infected piercings close up, i think ill let the other one close as well.

2006-08-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

drama drama drama

i miss no one.

2006-07-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today God's mercy is mine.

i am under his mercy.

i am under no mercy of his, it is only my own.

this is my mercy, mercy is mine.

2006-07-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

work has been crazy latley.

the other day cheryle (deedee's mom)helped me learn some things about my sewing machine. im excited to start a project, though im so strapped on cash, and i just bought a bunch of painting supplies. i need some stretch canvas, wood, and i need to develop some rolls of film.

i need to get two meetings in by the end of this week. i misconstrued my judgement, they set up my exit interview anyhow.
i need money.
it's impossible to save anything with my job.
i need a miracle. or forest gump.

2006-07-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

whateva.

2006-07-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

iv'e been wanting to write anything for awhile now.

i just woke up a bit ago. deedee and i slept in her parents bed last night. it was quite comfortable. i wanted to read the paper this morning, as usual, no one had brought it in so i went to the mail box and paper box and as i had already reached my hand inside noticed a rather large beehive and the bee's just stopped working and stared at me. i backed my hand out and for a minute contemplated how and if i really wanted to get the paper out. well that didnt matter they were already pissed at me, so i jetted back inside.

the other night i bought two fifths (no one else had money) and lacey, dee and me stayed at brads house. i didn't drink any, and i didnt sleep...
I tried sleeping in the morning around 9, but it was too hot. everyone else went to bed within 1 and a half hours. that was an awfully depressing night. iv'e been trying to catch up on my sleep since then...i finally did and so last night i drank a few shots; Dee and I chit chatted and played a game of chess &......she kicked my ass.

this year has been very strange so far. i dont know why i say strange or even think that. the events that have come out of it have nevertheless been unexpected, yet im still unaccustomed to their reasons, but i have no curiosity for dwelling on any remedies. i know i just need to let it be.

as a human i understand that i am powerless over people places and things.
that shouldn't just oblige to being an addict. as from common literature from NA.
for me it is morally true.
and even though you don't have control over this doesn't mean you can't say fuck it or fuck you.

in life. people walk away all the time.

and for a certain somebody who insists she doesnt intend to offend. me.
there are certain honorable steps one COULD allow themselves to take to permit one's time to feel less abused.

if we can make time for you, why cant you make time for us?

how was your trip to mt. pleasant?
streakzinthesky@yahoo.com

Yesterday was beautiful
when your voice crawled into my ears
and you sung me that throat song chorus
of i love you.
i love you back.
we bend then combust
for each other.
living in cactust soil
i trust your oils.
sweet, nourishing.
bubbled puddle. pouring your bath.
paranoid on the porch.
tell her to relax.
it's ironic, tell her to laugh.
semi-sober, semi-evolved. i am with you.
im involved.
semi-surreal- you make me feel real.
i am in you.im in love.
sometimes i feel to hurt. that i love you.
too hurt, how could you hurt?
love is dangerous.
at least this is lovely,
honest pain
making me cry.
and you are loving.
making me smile.

"ithinkisecretlywantyouraw"- 2004.

2006-06-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

april 23 2006

Not in the Iris. Not in your Lips. Not in your heart. Not in the brows. Not in the feet. Not in the neck. Not in the ears. Not in the language of your arms. Not in the smile. Not in your frown. Not in your cheeks folding up or down. Not in your hips bringing sound. Not in your knuckles clenching tighter. or your thighs touching, to sit lighter. On this wing that's been beaten down. I find a hidden hatred in your structure. On this wing that you claimed could soar. is annoyed by boasty bore, that i have brought again; to another party. You see it is not in this light here. and it is not in the unison of all of us. it is the cold red rust of the Past. it is the very light dust that we continue to brush. yet falls back down to settle in our sight. it is not in us it seems. maybe it is not in us to continue to breathe. & is the last breath in our out? will it be mine to take in?

june 06 2006

I'll never understand chunks
under my skin. A suntan I can't obtain.
I'm white. I'm stretched. I'm white. I'm too stretched.
There's ways I can Possibly reach her, But I can't reach them.
I'm so lonely when you're around or not.
I miss feeling whole or free I even miss feeling like a slut.
for you.
There's ugly marks. Too many to explain.
A purpose. I will be failing. I can explain. I just wont-
make a sound. So you can surround your plane, and
like a chain. The past stays strong.
Like things we feel everyday every way connect.
And metal won't break. All connected pieces
Just one solid section
gives in.

june 25 2006

with a chaste catch
a delicate flavored mess
was all at first glance.
a marvelled pass to give myself
the first to this glee stuffed
skeleton eyes, of emerald inherit.
we were there in the kind of Box,Humans buy.
And we understand starving is heaven's
sky purpled, gorging, opening to thee.
These love greeding beings.
without the understanding that
torturing is the heart's only key/

june 26-06

your smile intrudes
others scars,you play off their frays
while it lengthens your love of yourself. to find
i no longer am searching inside you
I am now looking behind you
the puss often blows me.
myself fights me.
but youre the only one winding me.
why do their scars thread mine?
I pause enough to blink in disbelief.
But my fram looking out is still your frame.
This is not Scrap Art ; This is real Direction, Course
of Life, another ScreenPlay, Fate.
Fate
Fate.

Medicine. And I'm the only lying there.
visiting. I am the only one Paying.
My life can no longer feel wasting.

may 07 2006

I Am not the one
in the pictures

Sensifying. I do not donate

I Am taking them.
Robbing Moments on Remote.

I Read Everyone else's fortunes
That I know I don't know.still.

I WANT TO FUCKING LOSE YOU FROM MY MIND.
EVERYONE THAT HURTS ME.IS EVERYONE THAT GLOWS.

and SOON FEELS ALMOST NOW. I KNOW IM GOING to kILL MyselF
By LETting YOU ALL GO.

STILL IN LOVE WITH A STRANGER.
A HEART SWEATS AND CHOKES.

I MAY BE PRIVATE.
I MAY NOT BE INNOCENT.
in the term of PERFECT.
PROFOUND I still havent found
I SEE THE HER I HAVE LOST.
I'm NoT witH HER.

I DIAL YOU FOR A GOOD CONVERSATION. THE CLOCK ticks AND
TIME LAUGHS. YOU AMMATUER.

ANOTHER HEADACHE WHERE SHES-DRIVING ME
AWAY @ 50mph AROUND THE CORNER.

USELESS AT THE FAULT OF ME SHE CRIES
i told you unhonesty. lies are still lies.are still yours.

undated

Please be strong like an anchor
you can not be
the whole weight of this ship.
but for a while of each day
hold us still.
and dont show motion.
When I reach up to Kiss your parts.
Like you do sometimes.
Make some sound for me.
Be soft Noises. Gentle. Gentle.

Please be strong like an Anchor is.

when we hear wedding bells will we listen together
for the rest of forever.

So burn the fuel away Again. That's it's Reason.
But be Solid because We Are.
because we are meant to break.
if it's possible only we believe.
We don't have to break.

undated-

oh familliar fuck and squeeze
your hiss...
im still asking please
i climbed a tree, go down on me
i can feel you conjure.
one contest
new conquests
the prowl of bets
just give me the last kiss boy
maybe ill forgive you
and forget everything
he washed out

April 22 2006

Taking her arm which covers my chest in
with both of my hands. Like I would my
blanket.like I would for protection, or for warmth.
I have eyes desperate to direct
a last play of passion. But hers are closed now, to sleep.

2006-06-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Very High
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

2006-06-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

hm, i'm getting my diploma today. my dad's in the hospital getting surgery. i want to see him later. if not then sometime soon.

i hope dee gets out of work at a decent enough time.

i'm still sick.

i was sick all at demf. which btw was pretty sweet. not the sick part. i took some pictures; they probably didn't turn out too well. i didn't get much focusing time, and my shutter was too long for me. i kept trying to stand there and take my time and then i had vince and dee being all fucked up and wanting to move around. it was very very hot there, and the last day the crowd was overwhelming. the place smelled like hippies, everyone tried selling us drugs. probably undercover cops. we did buy some drugs; the first pill which was orange and someone said had a V on it, made me think i was on acid. i must've sat in the grass for 2 hours , because i was too scared of everything. i couldn't even make it to the porto to piss in , btw which if i would of i'm sure wouldn't have been too smooth, the first one i went in had like 50 empty alcohol bottles in, and used condoms. and a razor. the second day was awesome though, i took half of a superman and vince dropped my camera in front of a security guard who was searching my book bag. i didnt really roll but i felt kinda coked. it was fun. we walked around and danced and deedee was cute laying on me, all drugged up. and the paramedics kept on circling us. afterwards we all went to the rams horn. and blah blah blah.. the next day we walked around in downtown roayal oak with jennifer after going to coney for the 2nd time. i love that place , i wish we had one here.

well next time i post will probably have some lame ass poetry or something.

2006-05-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

8-28-05

fishbowl brains absorbed within lime sparkling drink
grim accusations fluttering in the cotton
of my heroin dream
home a lone, all day gone.
too expensive to expand anyone to notice
my light heart. you think there's more
to my convict part.
i dread the sound of happy laughter,
wrapped naked in stitches
and plastic.
you take every breath for yourself, all frames collapses.
her darkness painted battery.
with the freckled arched horse standing beyond
my dependent shadows, grazing in the humid filth
of depressive precious fantasy.
He'll never soak his blood back in.

8-31-05

His lureing promises jerked my eyes to look inside.
I liked the way he grabbed my ass,
with both hands and pulled me forward, to fit on him.
I couldnt fit with him.
undoing my zip and running his hands up my
shirt, sliding it off...fucked over clothes
THEN WORSE
with them off.
the whole time, i was fucking the world. and thinking about
this hurting her, hoping it might not hurt me.
"this both is the best fuck ever" i thought " fuck her!"
and then i said it aloud.
out loud. heart pumping- his shut off;
sweating, eyes shut.body on boy.
Tears welling to fog myself.
from him or anyone
understanding this.
and then my head drops
because i cant find myself ever being
able to look forward again
in your faces
or in faith for a future.

9-1-05

buttermilk biscuit
zip those lips
F.Y.I
I'd like to keep being high.

hopefully someday
I'll like what I see

But your shadows of my pain
continue coming back to me.

9-5-05

i smoke my cigarette because it's something to pay attention to. EverywhereI look I see a mirror, the world's full of them. And everytime i talk someone's talking on the phone. I could pay more attention to you if I could just write you a letter on occasion, but I just haven't gotten time to. Sometimes people realize my personality and it's flaws. I never said I was gonna be who you wanted me to be. Time hasn't flew in forever. And she never never asks what I want. Rapture is heaven's great deal. Maybe we can please make more sense tomorrow."

9-5-05

I see lies, I dont know why, perhaps possibilities are crying for me. There's two desperate girls and neither have walked to my side. I see now it's in my blind. I'll never realize. If only I could make believe. Trust could return again. It hurts when you're honest. Rain blows on my face, it's chilly out. We let the mist bring us together, And that's what created our rainbows. If you're too honest It'll hurt me. Eventually.

9-5-05

I don't want you
you to remember
the ugly
things about me
why cant I be new?
exactly when iv'e figured it out
Iv'e figured out what
I need, right now, I suffer
how you had. And now it'ts not right.
Its not time.
You make me feel shorter.
you engage in me ease.
you extend more comfort, feel in me content
more cleaner, and closer to peaceful, but now
now i can lose you.
all to what you want.
again.
to what you want
I just know you'll get lost.
I want to be alone and tell you. At least
what i do know. And then ill need to feel safe then
not think im waiting for the snow.
I mean it
this time, it just took a little crime
and i want to suffer for this one.
this only one.

to what you want I'll lose.

when the earth went around
a cricket stopped chirping.
my purpose is wrote on a clock.
and of this petrifying drink
I know she'll never care what I have to think
It makes her aware I am foul grade D
or just degraded self esteem.

Do I want to be her Reflection
Expensive and Perfectly jeweled.
When Im staring at her
I'm thinking what she does.
Her sexual status Advance.
And I bleed onto my underwear.
I can't keep arguing about who's more eager.
I slave for one touch
Simply it remains
In forgetful depth.
No one's paying attention
why won't you touche' me

In between a war
a cookie without
any fortune.
for the better I do not move.
Don't let the coldest eyes
Let you fall.
Extentuate me as a pyramid.
or something as Big as my heart.

1-24-06

Having an H ache
I'm bandaging it
and us.
my blood isn't drifting
to Need,

Anyone who takes this
will consume greed.
and feelers fatal.
to all humans trying
to reach a consumption about you.
You'll never forget
and those who know
will never afford your time.

2006-05-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

today i found out my dad has a corroded artery in his neck. 95% damaged.
he is going in for surgery june 2nd. the day of my graduation ceremony.
he's still working overtime every day. 11 to 12 hours a day.
i dont understand why he's not in the hospital right now.

he also has to get surgery on something else, i think his vertabrae .not sure. but they have to get that before they can do it on anything else.

i really am starting to question that it wont be too long before he wont be in my life anymore. i dont want that to happen. i am not around enough for him. i shouldnt be thinking this way

2006-05-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

i dont know what i care about currently.

i feel very wasteful latley.

it normally doesnt bother me that im not speaking when I should be.
but latley iv'e been overdoing it. and so it's beginning to get even under my own skin. i live in this little world of mine where i feel i need to be polite or considerate to even the people clawing at my skin, i know i dont have anything good to say, so i have been taught to just not say anything. i feel i have to do this ritual to even my own self. for no particular reason. and my heart just doesnt have any spring to it anymore. i am dispirited. nothing will open me.

so iv'e been talking to myself. when im not talking to any of you
ive been thinking to myself how i could use an angel. so i asked the air for one.

so far. still no angel.

the only things i want to do latley are alone or with just deedee.
nothing i do satisfies me though. and if it does. if i smile.
im usually contaminated with the fact that it doesnt deserve me. im not sharing it with anyone.

so like deedee i really do want to have a good friend again. i need one.
theres a few friendships i still could care for. but they are out of reach at the moment.

the particular kendra i feel as a burden to. last time we came over. denise only got a welcoming hug. i got one when i left..but not so sure i even cared. i feel that this apartment thing has changed her some. not alot. just a little bit.and at first i was scared to see her walk away from her home. because i know what it's like to switch homes. as for now i dont like coming over and sitting for long hours in her apartment with all of her and ariana's friends that they a l w a y s see. because it is so hard for me to see her. like it has always been. so when i am actually there and i dont feel recognized the excitement dissapears quite fast. i am not actually sure if it has anything to do with kendra as a person. i think i will always like kendra and miss kendra and need my kendra doses. there is something too deep about it that i cant explain.

denise wants to go to the anti-prom party.
i have to close tonight ,,ive been extremely tired latley.
i dont know if i want to see her , or anyone. in that matter
if i do. i would like to choose who i see for once.
but i know it wont turn out like that.
and
there is nothing to do to change who i am over night.

iv'e been dying to go to an NA meeting for about 2 weeks. I wont be able to go until next week. I got to work through sunday and im pretty sure I got an 11 to close of monday next week. I hate how they give me practically all of my hours in one or two fucking days.

I didn't babysit this week and I owe Angela money that she loaned me.
So far it's been two weeks that Iv'e paid my mom. and neither of us mentioned anything about it.

I'm gonna need money at the end of the month and I'm scared I wont have any.

i need you to need me. not to feed me.

violence / tranquility

2006-05-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

january-1-06
smile pitied empty soul.
filter this rotten hole with irony, illusive honesty
disregarding which way to begin with. shy on ends, i know
not to go past the guardrail. you hold it up with your feet
under an umbrella. patient for the weather to change.
you sing not for faith or for prayer, for your own life
is only death fireying the prairie darker. and then you mate
and then you eat her. take down the trees. that's when the real
celebration begins. unconstant, your pledges will fall apart.
and how alert myself may have sent you now. will only sell you
short of all you've saved.

so don't share this time. dont let me talk.

no date] >>>>

i could feel her sharp teeth begging
to pull my fingers up.
her knees trembling, lifting up
making her tight lower end shift
and everytime this happens i get a little stiff
i lower my face and smell it. it looks back;
drooling sweet, anticipating feverishly

in each others gorge,
she becomes weightless
and i am my heaviest.
i try to be quiet while i eat.
i try to suck gentle
and not miss pressure or an inch surrounding or inside
i try to loosen her body
from head to feet
she's so delicate,tender and tense.
i do it all wrong
i'm the only one sweating
it seems.

right now im remembering how you got me those flowers. and i'd cry again. but i don't want to be loud.my arrangements come with suspense.
and my misjudgements are never compromised. i have no showcased assertiveness.
i have a wreckless personality
a wreckless personality.

september-8-2005
Tranquil Calamity / Violent and Angry./The synthesis of dream meets composition of life./Both is survival./ Wishes don't become real because you know its a fantasy that you have./ Its a dream that you have already had.

There's a loss of signal/ Can our esteem ever bring an eternal balance to the attachment we seem to want?/ remoke devotion, and the remorse of function and relation, unbroken/ Graciousness/ Underscore/ tolerable delivery,...of me./ there's no gaiety in this love anymore./ there's only enthusiasm in my sun/ my hand wants to be on your pen, Like i want you to touch me back.

october-10-05
She stepped on the brake.
then her eyes grew dark
and her mouth
was right where i wanted it. so that's what happened.

there was nothing to say
how could i ever tell she'd want to come back
as she left that way

we continued playing, though the 8 ball was sent.
i hoped so much for her.
At the end of my encounter I hadn't found a root.
I layed back, stared out at traffic.
the drug attacked me like a diseased mist.
company dropped the cigarette.
i lit it...after sucking on a flower
like bees feed.

some days after, still nothing to take home.
still missing, longing. the joke that it seemed.
visiting
took out her hair tie.
surprised me again.
i'm drooling.
and i dont know.

tomorrow could sink me. i imagine
bones detatching for one last safe breath.
underwater. picturing sterile clouds.

i'm appologizing, you over-expected
i'm sure..all that you'd got digested.
awful me. ugly addict.
heavy risk. you cant fully seem to add it.
and ill get you something better.

september-22-05
Nevertheless, she denies to progress. so save the rest, you've got to respect. Torn together from questioning me, you forget to question yourself. Life's a hangover, mentioning im scribed by dresscode and limiting noise. Skipping frames, in clumsy motion. the trees wave me bye, with my soiltary attitude. I mean to change it, but you say ill stay a liar. So i collect the frames of the freshest and they seem to harden with justice, so yes I know what im doing. Im making it better for the best of both. yes, i know what im doing. Im resting in my clothes, and soon ill find out what it is i want. And Brave.

2006-05-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

more poetry
=+-_;:'.,@$%^)*

9/10/05
what havent I done?My compromises never endured injury
and my inocently hardened into a shell.You can't cure lovely.
You are selfish.And you don't deserve to be my fish.

10/01/05
tell her you will not forget to call
she isn't proposed at all.
I will not allow this doubt to sand me any less
When i had all she gave.
Just warm arms, mutilated fantasies and unplaced teeth.
We could have an armageddon of sorrow.
Estate to take.
A smile that can't lie.
Your actions are windful and open holes,
below soaring trains screaming.But no notes.

4/16/06

I'm fucking invisable to all your invincables
On my intermission
I grab for a needle
I think of you.
touching me.
How I hate it,
when it's flesh of mine.
and I release
and blink and just
think and think
then tell myself. it wont
happen again

4-16-06
So Iv'e decided not to collect from you this time.
Her, Iv'e warned her.
& though her ignorance is not hope.
the fine pain spurts pleasure while eyes wetly burn.

I have been told Iv'e given you an excuse to change your ways.
beauty is ugly
at it's best.
I dont give about your self institution.
If I said. wouldn't mean you'd know.
If you knew. you'd understand I am mad.
words defeat me. They are more; Only when sterile.

{body language- 55%
[voice tone - 38%
{words- 7%

^ this is the intellect of those statistical
conversationalists.

12-17-05
scribble on every page
sterilizing ceiling lamp
rushing silence
dead air anoyance
her eyelashes,the same
as dark deep forests
I get lost all over the place.
I wonder why the blessed ones
don't notice their happiness,
want to show them things, save them
before they truely contain sadness.
I know that this blindness is sin
and will eat them like me.
deeper everytime, dissenting to
the greatest of out of hand.

1/10/06
all i recall
was looking up at her
above me.
then noticing every inch of me
from bottom to fullest height.
the length of it seemed sensible.
i stopped counting numbers
in what she made my relaxation.
i held tight
onto the bed.
kept trying to find ground to hold.
Just this wall i have. flat.
and my fingers sweaty
from her back.
my head was wanting more.
i didn't need
anymore.
all of her mouth clamping to the outside of my jaw.
And i just recall.
her sensible eyes.
and i was looking down.
at my own body.
my beautiful body.
i did nothing for her
though she still moaned for me.
applying more sweat under my nails
digging for another outburst of tension
and everything to shut up. possibly forever.

2006-04-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

being awoken by a bee trying to get into the window is awesome. especially 0n a morning you dont have anything you need to wake up for. i havent posted anything new in forever. i don't even have anything to say to any of you. photobucket deleted the backround picture i had up. but luckily left a bunch of them too. i dont understand that. so i picked this one so i wouldnt have to change my font color or anything else right now with it looking stupid.

i didn't do anything on 4 20. i want to cut my hair again. it needs to be more versatile. but i dont know how i'll manage with what it's already been through.

i'm going to post some poems i think. rather hypercritical like usual..so i'll go on.

....................................

coins and clocks and belts
domination and determination
my eyes lacked to explain to her how i felt

i want to have sex with you
how much?
if i say a lot are we gonna screw?
i misunderstood, sorry; and i hand over a twenty.

then she's angry at the buttons on my blouse.
but i don't want to be exposed.
i just want to make love on her, shouty moans.
her pants are above knee line, and she says good luck
smack her ass, and they're off in a flash
but then she removes my belt and whips my back
then our hands meet in the clash
as i try to get my belt back. she throws it far.
why chase it when i can choke her instead.
while she bites me, i brief to stop her.
i still haven't felt her. but she begins to cry.
and i'm sorry now. and she states she's guilty
but i dont blame her. factfully i'm not anyone.
my heart stops to slow as she bursts in retaliation.
but it still doesnt feel like love
maybe i forgot my other name.

3-2-06

------------------
wholesome dreams , robust and undying

though dreary of a girl addicting
in I repent...these under repetitive flix...
out to release; in gasps , i'm always pushing in horror
as if raising my hand to a glass tank.
where I cant breathe and because of that I cant get out.

where this noise that's solid like a weight
pierces my tympanum
where finally I arrive and awake in a collected
pile of cold sweat and nakedness
where she is not where
I am
where I feel without her desolate.
Oppressed and devoured in defeat of
her consuming face. luminating pure
in a mocking tone.
unable to smile with it dragging on
distracting all day activities
I repeatedly ask myself

Why can't you be in my life?
anxiety thrusts and
I tear through the fog with my sinews.

you are just a ghost
and i know you laugh at me

II. These Nightmares Dont Forget Me

I was last with her when
it had begun to show as Winter.

There we are. I break up the coke, then
I'm standing outside her home, laughing
with flakes dropping and surrounding us to
posture a crystalline mass among our cities.
The air cracks. I wish it were summer again.
and as the seasons reoccured
Iv'e continued flicking down my cigarette.
while I know I'm not innocent.
staying a grace on my face.I want her to see.

I look through a window. sadly she sits
still, blank, alone.
I open the entrance door and order.
Her head rises; eyes glare.
"Have you not any heart?"

"Glamour?" I reply.
Moments I am awake. I am not!

"Do you want me to sign something?"
My stomachs tugging me, and she doesnt like me anymore.
I guess the seasons run around in circles
like she reoccurs to visit when my eyes are shut.
I know she's weakened and I am guilt to the brim.
so I ended up shopping more and I am ashamed

for thinking she would stay alive.
I think I will have to take her back to spring
where echoed images stun a person somewhat less
when pretty things bloom. Sour'r than dandelions.

In space, where's time? for interaction

She's shown me her mouth, bones, nails,
rythym, smell, scars, hair.

cussing, she showed me I am a haunting portrait
to forget, if she ever had another affair.

3-3-06
----------------------------

it's been a very long time
leave me a comment if you were here.

2005-06-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

why is it so hard to hang out with a friend i miss so much?

kendra makes me feel like shit.

just me and adam havent hung out in a while, and i'd really like to again sometime soon.

been crying everyday. i dont understand my frustration.
i'm breaking, . and im gonna go down.

2005-06-03T04:58:00.000-07:00

everything is fucked up

2005-05-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

i love my kittie's company
i miss my girlfriend
i dont want to go to work
i have cramps
i am still sick
i want life to surprise me

2005-04-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

deedee is mad at me. i uno know why.
maybe cause im online
maybe cause i said i wasnt hungry
maybe cause we came here
maybe cause im worthless

reading her journal totally depresses me sometimes. she always writes super long shit about what she does at gezus's. or about gezus, or even other people she hardly talks to. she hangs out with me all the time and never has anything to say about that. and when she does, i dont get it most of the time. oh well.

and for your information i thought i seemed overly excited when i saw you at school m' dear. but whateva.

i cant try hard enough.

i cant be good enough.

carly is supposed to call me today. but i know she wont.

there is no food at my house and i feel so guilty. not bread. not milk, not anything besides graham crackers , a bag of popcorn, and a few other things

im really depressed today, i dont know why. i feel exhausted too. i havent really done anything. constant fatigue. i want to throw up.

thursday is my first day working at KFC. yes im going to give people dead animals.
oh well i eat 'em.

i<3ani difranco

i still miss you kendra. i know its my fault, i know you try to call me and all..
i seriously am not worth your time anyhow.

i like the weather. my teeth feel dirty, bluck. gotta do something about that.

2005-03-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

iv'e been missing cause i know you're not coming back.

the bad emotions have lessend and lessend.

becoming more controlling of myself.

we've both proclaimed we are in love with each other.

things feel pretty tight. they feel alright. who am i kidding, everything is perfect.

why do i still care about making everything better?

she'll never stop wanting more than this.

he'll never stop lying.

the only thing
i care about now
is keeping.

i am a bitch

2005-03-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

i smell pussy
it smells strong
we make love still
but it doesnt last that long
still saying i love you
though neither in love
i'm so devoted to you
that it hurts

that it hurts

all the time.
------------------------
i keep trying i swear

he's too pink in passion,
to have eyes so dark.
he's to green,
to bring flourescent again.
surrounding envy.
looks,
i'll stay dead.

he's too perfect looking,
to hate him this way.
i'm feeling endlessly raped.
i want to get paid!

life = experiance
and until my broken year of this
i only hated myself. i only hate me.

now to hate it all. to dull. to null.

so maybe next, i can learn to love myself?
i'm doubting to love myself.. my dreams
my dreams, my dreams
are vanishing, like before they ever came

look at him
how pink
how green

he's anyone, anyone could feen.
but in mmyy bloodstream

he's making me sick
enough to kick this bucket
that's not doing me any good
to become sane of it.
water is poison,
as pure is decieving.
------------------
the differance

so,
she sleeps alone
with another body.
all dead inside

the color of the eyes is
the windows to the soul
and i'm SO SORRY YOU
HAVE NOTHING BRIGHT. to look into...and
I Have You.

the contradiction, that proves my great these
iv'e lived by since i found women to be inspiring.
Is yet another Wrong thing, thought, i had, dying.

(sometimes i guess i just feel i have you)

i am a body, with no soul at all.
i am mass ,controlled by default.
carelessly, i'm letting the world fall apart
i guess i dont care about anything but me
i guess i only care about
MY dream
MY wish.
i'll laugh when i see your pretty smile.
Why don't you get yours?

---------
curled acid souls

my dreams
are insufficient
while yours
have no root
i stand, on this plank
with george w. bush.
i am the lesser powered.
the fish.
that's gonna get cooked.
the victim of choice.
cause i guess i only
chose to voice my
unholy love
and their sympathy
is disgusting me.
i want to feel free
to hold her needing hand
among your faces!
but we are a disgrace
to all the nations.
all the colours.
all the genes.
we are unclean
we are animals
versing aliens
cause that's all i see these days.
the caged against
what power do you own?
i own my heart. i own myself.
and sometimes it's too much
to deal with hell,
on fresh earth.
my choice is to keep moving.
migrate on, like indians
like asians meditating,
peace. and these impure policies.

------------------

ample canary
flying above.
Glistening.
emitting resistance
all against me

and
the wall

is so full of your tempting eyes
i am chained
and beaten
through and through
deliverance is melting

and the stars become selfish.
objecting i grow.
rejecting my glow.

orbitting your origin
can i please know

and there's a tender canary
obsessed about getting free
but i can count the distance
on all sides, and for this
i can not believe i'm me.

---------------------------
amor
a mug
a mango
a man
a maze
amen

ah, me

a mate
a mask
a master
a mark
a mane
a maker
a march
a mic
a meek
a mass
a magic amazon
a you.

-------------
what reasons do reek
what's raunchy does leak
tap bottoms beat
turn stove on heat
stupid clit tease
maggot
i'm always post hot
watching you faggots
tangling the horsehair to choke
escaping the lose scare,
i'm gonna break
dyke folk-core
for pride of my double triangle pickle.
and every one of you tickle.
--------------------
warm foaming liquid
bubbling out of my cave
up the cranes neck,
exploding sour out the mouth
all very unclean
and sometimes she makes out with me, there
and i, oh, my cream.
she cradles me through my anxieties
i cry insecure of my appearances
i only see your gray scale skeleton
when i stare at you
i'm melting
hoping, as a thinner flame,
the creature we've made has swelled,
changed.
i lay next to you.
i can not complain
the lips blowing you this kiss can never
be contained. my love.
this.
you need me?
i care back, unconditionally
evenly.

bust this dream, (You're) "Just a Dream" (?)
Away my mind.

------------
the heavy-loaded needle
is open
to anyone pleading
innocent

let me make this easy on you
I'll collaborate with no one
and fantasize

you're dreaming of realtionships
only with me.

heart hickies,
flood my arteries FAT infested lovebug

hairy cock decade rotter
she flys and you swat her.

to a pulp
in my hankerchief,

and here's your thanks

my filthy thief!

----------------
hammer me in moldy
hamsters cage
harpists ensists ,
either ways
isn't my way
i'm clearing out the 8 ball
from this touchy table
holding on her halo
hung from heavens big cloud
harriet would return,
hearing my roar.
happy to see how
you happen to hoard
every
thing
that ever walked
in my door.

----------------------

maybe i would feel
safe
to be
a crustacean
always molting
always a change
and in the sea
they're always folding.

on the soil,
i'm always still
but holding
gravity cages me
from floating

i want to swim away.
be eaten
be enjoyed

lucious, luminate, beautiful
infinite fish

delicious!
and eat me i beg.
let me nourish your skin.
turn your lights on.
turn your cheeks red.

----------<<<<<<<<<<<<<
"the oyster or clam is digested in its own shell by the stomach of the starfish."

"i just want to feel
safe in my own skin

and i'm so lonley
i don't even want
to be with myself
any more"- dido.

"with its inside-out stomach pushed into the shell, the starfish digests the body of the clam or oyster and leaves behind nothing but an empty shell."

------------------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

you are Just a ghost

a nervous motor spreading locusts

you are Just A Ghost

mediocrity

scared of her leaving

hold onto yourself

shake yourself

I'm always looking out the window

breathing in

your grit steamy

you are Just a Ghost

in dreams we smile

on drugs we smile

we communicate fine when we smile.

You are but a ghost

i want to see you more often

there are times i'm afraid to make friends

even with me

and all those ghosts.

-------------------------
equality

rise . faster than i ever could
black handled blade to my neck
prejudice against my paradise
we are rats, caged, put to the test.
where is my justice when i lay down to rest
you down see this warm blood, flowing
behind my face. modest. or graceful.
thumping the tub, at the infests
that share their dense form of sense.
i could murder your husband in the night
while he, like me, is all proud and right and innocent.
i want to be the lovable monster
that loves another her.
and makes a few dents.
for my happy race.
for my own gay place.

2005-03-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

Lost. They tore along the long, straight highway together for hours. The dust blew at them and the sun beat down, but still they felt together, and they were going places they had never been before, because they knew they had to. He pulled over absently when they reached an enormous building. It was shaped halfway between a barn and a church – the exterior was ornately carved with pale stone archways and crumbling religious figures, but overall it took on the shape of a building created for nothing, except perhaps as a lone object of beauty on the long, empty stretch of road. There was no door or entrance of any kind to be seen, (the building finished rather abrubtly at either end), and there was little mention of a window or even any indication that it was hollow. He climbed slowly out of the car, and she followed him. She walked around the front and joined him, locking her hand into his with her fingers. They stood silently gazing up at the monstrosity that had caused him to stop, and decided unanimously (but equally wordlessly) to circumnavigate it. Moving out away from the road, they found themselves in a field and standing two inches deep in water. The weather turned from the blazing Nevada 35 degrees to a miserable, lazy British 13 in almost an instant – the mystery and unusualness of their location seemed further to taunt them. There was little to do but continue; in spite of their apparent shift in meteorological fortunes. It was blindingly obvious that the daunting cathedral-esque building was the only landmark for many hundreds of miles – the young couple could almost see the curvature of the earth at the horizon. The car lay behind them somewhere, and because they had only walked in a straight line they knew exactly how to get back there if and when the urge took hold of them. Still, they kept walking, hands never separating. His gaze never left the horizon, hers never left him – she was confident in the knowledge that his was a face of determination and archetypal male leadership. Soon, however, it was apparent that they were getting nowhere. The horizon never moved, the building never stopped looming over them, and the quiet chug-chug of the dormant car motor never ceased. They were now standing in over a foot of water. He began to mumble some words of concern but she silenced him with a finger and said "Please, lets not ruin the time we have together."

-author unknown

2005-03-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

iv'e been TRYING to think positive latley. it's so hard, because i don't feel there IS much i can be positive about. I wish i had friends, so i would have something to do most of the time. I wanna go smoke a bowl, but i wanna save it to smoke with someone. Or until i have something to do. When i see people latley I feel like i have nothing to talk about. even with deedee sometimes. I really need to change. I really need to change something. I seriously don't know who I am anymore.

apparently my brother is moving out next month I hear. I forgot when our lease is due, but I am looking forward to it, looking forward to having my own bedroom, probably just for a couple months. I hope it will be some kind of start for my emotions stabalizing.

apparently I have tonsilitis with something else. Iv'e been given this cough syrup with just guifenessen and codeine in it, i wish i could extract the codeine.

Iv'e been sitting home ALOT latley. sleeping, taking baths, trying to pass time. I wish someone would call me.

my mom started crying today at my case management appointment, saying she doesnt know what is wrong. and that she feels lost, and all of this. I feel bad because I feel very lost right now, and although that makes me feel a little not so alone, I dont think it's a very good thing for anyone to feel like that. I got my test results back , tammy said they were the highest she has ever seen which isn't good. my panic, my pyschoses, suicidal level, violence, depression, is all very very high.

I'm surprised she didnt try to send me to the mental hospital again.

I picked up job apps yesterday. I really really need a job.

I have so much anxiety latley, I'm scared to be around people.
In general I'm very very scared.

I remember when I could tell myself things cant get worse. i know now that no matter how bad things are it can always get worse. and most likley will.

i miss my old house.

i promised deedee i would take her to prom this year.
the hard part is getting someone to take us, we need guest passes from someone
that goes to a regular highschool. so if anyone can help me out, you could say i definatly owe you one.

2005-02-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

i went to bed last night thinking about sweet death. i woke up this morning, and the very first thing, and only thing i thought about for a half hour is how bad i want to die. i went outside for my cigarette, and looked at the sun painted snow, off my apartment balcony, and wished i wasn't so pathetic to just think about this. to maybe actually do something about it. do something for myself. i thought about like twenty ways i could kill myself, then my mom asked me if i wanted to go to ponderosa for lunch. i didn't really want to go, but i didn't feel like making food. i sat there eating chicken, thinking of everything my poor life amounts to. and how i do nothing to change it. my eyes started teering up, over those damn memories that haunt me again. over him. over him and her. mostly him. i wished i could understand my own feelings. i wished i didnt dwell on something i want to kill. reading your journal, i have nothing to look forward to read. important stuff first. lastly is you wallowing in hopelessness. i dont even think you read mine. no you must not, i dont know.... i keep thinking maybe i should just leave things. i dont want everything to be up to me. you have to realize that in your mind you have to change things. and if that doesnt work you have to try something else. i can only imagine your alternatives, and the people you face are dreadful to want to feel anything for. you feel you give enough already, but really you have the advantage. i keep thinking maybe i should just leave things. this town isn't big enough for the both of us. i should just leave it...before things get more intensly out of hand, before i dont have nothing left. i know if i left i'd only be fucking up my future more. i'd have less than i have now. i think about sweet death. im thinking about what i really really want. trying to liven one of my dead dreams. i dont know which should come first.

2005-02-20T02:03:00.000-08:00

i watched the kill bill movies tonight- at kendries, i like hanging out with my kendrie, and brandy. they are nice ladies. and they happen to make me smile. i miss my deedee. oh so much. im going to pretend like im kissing her now....

goo' night.

2005-02-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

heather emmons i fucking hate your comment box thingy. everytime i try to post something it tells me i have the wrong password or some bull, when i know it's right.
- so then i have to get a new account.

i miss kendra.
i miss danielle too. i wrote her a letter today in grammar, because it was pointless to do anything else in there, and my brain didn't want to function on more school work at the end of the day. i dont know if i'm going to give it to her or not.

i'm confused about deedee.
i miss her too; she's with adam.
i just wish she were here loving me right now....thats what i wanted ever since i got home ....
i have too much anxiety and stress right now to be around anyone, i just want to finish digging my little hole and dissappear from everyone....i'm getting closer , i know that.

troy thought i had fulled stopped going to school, it made me happy, because he said if i did he would probably stop going to school too, what a freak. he said if i did, to tell him, so we have some kind of closure. that kid makes me smile at school, he's just like a big ball of light.

i think about not living alot latley. i just want peace. peace at all expenses,

ASDFJKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTR89WEOFNKLMXDVFNAQWUJ SDLKFMAKLSDMGFTR ASNDF,SADMFKLDSIOSDFDIOSDFIOSDFDJKLSASDKLASDF89SDSD8OWERNHJWRJWEKLWEIKLSDSDFKLSDFKSDKLSDKLSDFSDFSDFAA8902345U23IO41UP924839012UIDASFKLASDMF,SMADF,.ASEM590 2323J4KLWRJAKLSDFM ASDFU2O34J KLEJFAS89DFJASDKLFNMSADKLFUSDF8U23JILR AKLFJASDFU9J3WIORJMWR9ASDFKLMASDL MADLFJARHAKLSFMSDLKFMADSKL M

CALM DOWN.

why do i always have to hurt. why do i always have to do something wrong. i need to figure out how to not make deedee hate me. i need to figure out how to not make her hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

i want to stop worrying i want to die. i want to stop. i want to die. i do. i wish she would kill me. why is love a game to her? why am i a game to her. she doesnt want to see me right now she says. she needs time she says. its always what she says. am i such a fool.

i know you'll win no matter what. so why do i even have to talk.

bury

bury

bury

myself.

2005-02-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

http://www.deviantart.com/view/15208048/

mount sunshine
honey, blueberry waffles?

columbian coke shot straight to the
heart of my damned everything
in the street
on my knees. did you care,
what it meant to me?

morning blisters,
Mister blisters

never forget lady jesus.

dumb drugs

numb little bugs. bugging

how i want to squash you ,lowly.

precious, delicious,

cramping tongue twisters.

twisters in every pure light.

standing at bottoms level.
looking up mount shine sun,
shine sun. piss off, loves.

forget me not, was all i thought,
when that dream left.
murmering i cant.

i couldn't look.

i can't cry ..you say.

and i was screaming shrill,
as the house slept.

and you broke out in laughter walking
the dark hall, out of my proud life.

i regret the dead emotion ,when
I planted myself to the kitchen table.
But i knew reality was leaving again.
the only control that tied itself to me.

I wasted time building up courage
to grate me into shreds.

I hated myself for that.
And I hated them, why not?

So I used a boy. And shared
my gutter-bound tragedy, Just
to realize, someone was gonna
give me, me again.

Was in the last place I had expected.
someplace I had already been.

Still, my gratefulness doesn't add up.
you remind me of me.
oh how i love you
oh how i know know, hate me.

2005-02-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.deviantart.com/view/15096061/

seriously,
as horrible as i look, i really like this one.

i met you under the cherry tree, you saw me sitting alone and said, you're not alone, baby. you drove me home, kindly from an everyday party. tiny behind the wheel, more confident than I imagined You, insecure, in the cage chair, hiding your face, behind the words ,in your book, many would never hear. I died to have you come here, inviting you in. You, sad and thin, seemed happy and full then. maybe ready to sin. winter never dressed your painful legs. a scared canvas, trembling with you through our first kiss.

i imagine it snowing, on your pale face. and your selflessness walking to see me. when i told you no, it's too much, it's too cold. covered in melting glitter. I'd wait up for you, I'd wait for tomorrow. I'd wait for you. Drunkly falling for you, I wanted you so bad to be my baby. We broke each others cherry trees, you made winter warm to me. You made me want to give, what I never gave anyone. Just like everytime I was sick, you were there, with something.

Sometimes your hand was the only thing that mattered. And your body I discovered more and more, each day was a map of past pain and memories, that I adored. Because somehow someone just had to. I never thought I would be the cause of the deep ones, that would never leave.

2005-02-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

the world is too small, and too big at the same time. i hope it explodes soon.

2005-02-09T11:48:00.000-08:00

im sick of your face im sick of your name im sick of your existance

2005-02-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

http://azraeldarkmagic.deviantart.com/gallery/

lots of new pictures ..click to see full. comment, dicks.

2005-02-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

window
sun
colors
run.

i look inside
god im stunned

i feel like its me
thats doing this to you
i feel like its me inside
you screaming

making you cry
making you less alive

what about
all the ones
without those
bright
eyes?

daylight
nightlight
scared of the dark
is truth at heart

funny how you can
make things love
and make things hate
and deny reality
though its often great
let things you want spoil
when its clearly
in sight

grass
trees
allergies
sneeze
fresh air and flowers
and my body repells the pair
its natural to care
when its for anything natural

i am weird

keep secrets dont let me know
im scared more to grow
than to die

i want to get away from needing
anything. i want to walk away from this
restaurant. maybe into the road.
ill walk home in the cold. and you
can melt with her in your car. shes
always much brighter when you're around
even if she hides it, - at least she can
i am all that i am. i see her personality
changing, and her speaking has more range
she finds things to say to you
be glad that you're included in almost
everything we do, have done. you must
be so special to her.. it makes me sad
almost to keep her, and to feel so needy.
you distract her from me and my disruptive mood.
and my crude distruction that i do

what a fool
how ignorant
in a bad mood
youre always right
with your angel wings
i cant dance, i cant sing
im your partner on strings

i cut
my
throat

squirt
croak
now
im
better
than
this

just shut your mouth
and music
just shut your youth
and let them use you

whats a parade if no one walks
whats a trade of knowing
a person if no one talks

what are you gonna do to get, if
youre scared?

tell them you want, and if they dont try
you have a reason to cry. this time.

2005-02-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

alyssa says "I just cant like remember
anything anymore." i dont know what it is"

and i know it means she's unhappy
with her life. because i am too

there once was an exstacy, that was so
fresh, so always there. always around.
and drugs didn't bring me down.
maybe i didn't even need them.

i want to ache on the outside
and pull the skeleton out of
the bag.

leaving
the soul trapped in,
and my skin and face
more attractive

my framework, and life
is an extension that exhausts
this fever.

im waking with nightmares

im in love

i need to let go of myself

numbly i dont care about anything that has to do with me
i care too much.

waking with nightmares when i tried
so hard to sleep

i need to let go of myself.
hate feeling this weak.

house doesnt feel like home
you , you are stone.
garfield avenue. i miss you
room, window, stairs, street
now my bed feels square
i dont like it there
i miss leaving
and coming back
walking to see you
smiling as meeting
you half-way
where all the passion was
you are a stone fox
i too am in a box
a dream, and nothing feels sane and drugs don't do, but down
and regression is a routine session
if i had a wish, it would be to have the power
to make her smile.
contently
sincerely
blissfully
securely.

When the clouds are moving
she smiles, and i can't help
but hug her.when she's high,
she's smiling. what makes her smile? it's not very often

and lion treats us as if we're better-in both good and bad ways
ways that hurt and ways that are splendid.

he's searching for courage
and he has friends that are searching for a brain.

"oh how i wish i had a brain." he sings.

and dorthy is searching for a home
who is searching for heart?

i dont know, but i'm happy right now

if smiling is what she wants, then what does she want?

you need to stop hurting yourself. go home, and
sleep. go home and fix it. i'll lie in bed with you.

i just need a little oil to work this tin frame.
i just need a little time to find what's mine
do you really want to stay this time?
do you feel my betrayment-
i was damn sent

pulled from the green world. the blue earth.
with clouds and a sun
into infancy of torture
then satan the serphant(the one i seen in my dreams) said, "you can have knowledge"
and then he showed me truth.

after a splendid
decision of torture
was placed in the very lens of my glasses.
on some occasions i am blinded. experiance death over
and over. coming back and re-living. dying over
and over. killing my own self. that's why i deserved it.

then god had made a sacrifice.
one himself, not just his son. and he battled
and battled on and on. until one day she realized
i am god. my name is god.
i am sheryl. my name is sheryl.
i can defeat this pain
i have knowledge and there is love, i found it. -it was
like a faint dream, but i know its out there

"coincidence?" she thinks,
-doubting

and so she goes to find her god

and this is love, she
explains
AND THIS IS LOVE, SHE
exclaims.

with enough energy that pours from your
veins, karma has sent me this way

sleeping, my fate is to dream.
on , and on, and on, and on.

special note: special quote: "Love is Forever" - denise van wert.

I WANT TO KILL ALL YOU PEOPLE
because i love you all TOO much.

it
is
bad
to
envy.

it
is
good.

,that's great.

And I say maybe it's just an infinite wall

You all look so delicious right now
i starve
because you people make me
disgusted
but you're pride, just says i'm wrong.
GOD, DO I HATE BEING WRONG!
and god do i hate how you beat me.
up. so i defend. and glory.
doesn't rain or reign

you get so excited sometimes
and i laugh cause im happy
you say you see past it
and im really laughing at you.

i say baby you're wrong
baby, encouraging that
your skeleton is alive
your skin is tender
your brain is crazy!
wow, and it blows mine.

and so, and i want to kill all of you
send you away to a greater
dream . and i'll be less hungry. to help it. or help.

and i feel sick. and they say, yep this one's sick

"put some blood in her"

MORE....

BAD....

....BLOOd.

fingerdownYOURthroat:

shaking in a closet... my arms. my legs.
"not
long-
enough"..."Fuck, fuck, fuck." head, agony.

whisp, wimper, tender, whisp
whisper,I love ALL TOOmuch.

title:for the car i do not have-"such a small word is m u c h."

stop
thinking
of ways to
escape.
and just flow
is something
im beginning to understand
and i wished you'd
understand.

to work out
we both wanna get there
loose this heavy weight
this heavy feeling

artistescape, dont be an escape artist now
be with me, and let go. i will row, and you can
relax.

just
stop
escaping
lovely
lady
d.

people say it's a worse thing if you have Bulimia. cause it's like a virus. it just jumps right into you without your control/consent. you don't mean for it to happen , or even start before you started. first you starve yourself, then...you get sick. and sicker even more, if it doesnt stop. I used to be athletic, every day before i woke really early to go to basketball I would eat one chicken burritto, the 30 cent kind. it looked disgusting, but disgusting tasted good. i wouldn't eat again till i came home at 4, and swam laps until 7;30-9. and ate, and then played soccer until 2 in the morning, then i grew up around my friends and it was hard to make new friends. i got ugly, before i ever got fat. they starved me attention..i was a ghost, and when people noticed me, I glared.

at home i threw up ramen noodles in the 7th grade.

all my life
iv'e lost and lost
and lost.

GrOW.

dear denise and adam:

yeah, i know you know how much pain we are all in, but i just think we put this on ourself. we all did something we blame ourselfs for, to get to this point. But that's also why we're all still friends. we blame ourself. and we all care. care about everything. we're exhausted about it, so it brings us down all the time. kendra said, i believe if anyone can change the situtation, you have the power to overcome it, stop it.
she'd tell that to all of you. and it's true.
so im forcing myself to stop downing people, i'm trying to be a charm. I fuck up.
cause you guys are hard work. we're all in bad shape. but if we were immature, if we all didn't fit somewhere on the same level, sincerely, i wouldn't be touched. i know, i once was grief, and i don't know if i will be again. but right now i just want you to know. i love you. i care. i'm there.

- the fish.

2005-02-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

post a memory of me.
it can be anything you want,
just so long as it happened.

post this shit in your journal and see what people remember about you.

2005-02-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

"i dont know why that puts YOU in a bad mood, but hay.." and walks off..

she has no sympathy at all. im feeling strangled.

choking back words. wishing i had meaning. wishing i could say what i mean.

i do not get fuCKING pleasure when OTHER PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING.
that is why.

today you tried to make him smile, lifting up his cheeks. last night you two seemed to have a blast. touching him more , play fighting. i have become such a quiet quiet person, scared to speak. speak anything. scared to look. i want a differant face. i want a differant tongue.

you are not the only one with problems.
is it okay for me to feel wrong(ed)?

i told her today it would be okay and gave her hug , after she blew up about me sitting where she wanted to sit. and she says yeah right, and storms.

in the hall ways she storms.

it does not make me feel very good.

i know things are not good for her
i try to get in.
and then i feel her frustration
in her eyes

anxiety, and i look away.

i dont want to ever look away

i know i forget to watch the stove sometimes, but i really do mean to feed you.
make it for you.

my teers bug you.

my face troubles you.

being near the both of you makes me feel the most alone i have ever felt possibly in my entire existance. and this happens daily.

i know things are not good for him.
....
commentary....people appreciate that.

.....

i know there is a great ammount of hatred, and i do not know the source.
maybe i dont want to find it out.

i'm, sorry
denise ann vanwert
adam klemm
kendra
dave

2005-02-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

DIE

2005-02-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

he starves for attention
damns the stars and shakes
his fist. at me his eyes
jerk. teers anticipate, as he tears at
skin. i'm the rim, on the third wheel
silent in the back seat. watching
we keep emotions in front.
but words,
dont have a place.
and razors stay.
digging head and heart
he became a part
and we're both jealous for this sweet tart
i couldn't control any of it", clenching up
there's nothing i can do about it
he stole a very significant deal of myself
but it was a good reason
she left the love of her life for him
in our most sweetest season
when we met, it was the warmest winter
i kept, in all my life. I picked up a knife..
when you took her / I was freezing, like an ice cube
dry - i dwelled, and dwelled
and melted myself in the microwave.
burned my scars and skin in the hottest waters,
to feel. I got sick and i got thinner,
I missed christmas and denied everything
appreciating nothing but pain, its what i learned
for days and days. time was a stable tower
that wouldn't fall down. and i couldn't stand on.
It just waited and waited with infinite
patience, for me to stop it. And i tried,
several times. And he was not there.
And neither were you.And all of us
was nothing to me. He didn't call. He just
took her into his arms. And calmed.
the broken heart(s). I fucked up.
and I wondered why
all the time
But I just knew.

I feel like people are laughing at me. I wouldnt blame,
they have a lot to laugh about. I am a bucket of lard
I am so ugly. And her, my eyes, this is faint. I
wonder if she ever wants to even touch me again.
How could anyone depend. On all but the ruined
penny I'm worth. And the jaded spine that doesn't
reach my voice. I want to say a countless amount
of things I don't know how to say. This fortress
bombed. Nothing I will do, will ever be the right thing.
I might do things O.K. But will, isn't as strong
as wishes are. And the best, is the rest
I wont, cant, but want to give. What do you do?
-when you find it all. There's infinite worlds. and heaps
of girls. And boys also. What.could.ever.make.me.adored.
How i adore the girl i find has most astonishing character. I
still am scared of later. But I anticipate the hand you want
to let me hold on.

restricted slut machine
excuse me, the mirror explains everything
open mouth
orange eyes
anything could be a goodbye.
i bet anyone could be a target
the way you want to change people.
and you believe you know her so well.
who is deprived. who invades your pride.
anyone could be a target these days.
anyone can take her a way.
and you know though
you probably couldn't handle
another barbed wire strangle
you'd rather have her get her way
any
way
love is in 4 eyes.
a pair that tries

the most passionable, restful, worry-less
pleasured.

with windows and electricity
combination of souls maintain natural toxicity

and my head will stop hurting

if anyone wants to kill me for free, be my guest
all these drugs are numbing my friends.
i want to say fuck you to myself and all of them
is it just me or does everything seem superficial
right now? Now, if i just didn't have any kind
of a memory, i would be fully content. Tag,
Safe, Safe, Safe. Holding me, I just want her to
be. loving me, never be cheap. with the
beginning of an end. I cherish how she smothers
me in her perfume. Ribbon's at dusk.

I feel guily for taking you for granted.
i know I'm a little jaded,i was born
slanted. I stole something from you, and in
the time i had, i gave you what I could for
it. I'm sorry, i knew it wasn't anything
i could control from the beginning. I just
wanted us to feel fine.

i wanted you to be mine.
greedy with nothing. left to
waste in a timeless bittersweet
nightmare.
waste in my own bloody pity
in the hhaauunnttting

so sorry to give up now.
but we're nothing what
we need for each other.

2005-01-29T13:59:00.000-08:00

denise wants me to quit losing weight, because my boobs are getting smaller. when they are already really small. i dont care, cause they're aliens, and one day i will get implants. and being thin is more important than being ugly. i am naturally deformed and i dont think my boobs even ammount to an A. i have always been pathetic personally, emotionally and appearance wise.

i punched a fence last night. i don't remember much of the night, this 31 year old mexican, who i had just met; that is a boyfriend of a friend, was smelling me for like 5 minutes. it was very akward. and i felt like i was causing problems. i remember getting very sad, for no suitable reason, and kristen saying i look like im gonna cry or i have to freak out. i replied , and walked out of the house, and ran in the snow two houses down , dogs were barking at me as i pissed in the snow and punched this fence until my knuckles bled. i did this twice. it was relieving for the time being i was not crying. then i walked in the street, smoked a bowl and went home to more nonsense.

i realized last night, why i dont have very many friends anymore.
why it doesn't hurt me. i think a lot of things.
then i forget them.
oh well,
everynight i dream of being a photographer. i wake up wishing for the kind of passion i just dreamt. but the world looks much greater in a dream.

last night i dreamed denise took me to brooklyn. i dont know what brooklyn looks like, but i wish i was there, right now.

adam's birthday party is tonight. denise just left with him to help decorate.

i feel it is becoming more depressing that no matter how hard i try i can not be in that place. i live for her smile, and his mere presences makes me feel like she is 16 again, like its easy.

iv'e grown away from the characters which chained me before. i dont know how it happened so fast, but i am replenished....curling my toes shyly. ....nervous habits....passion in my heart, just wanting the best for her....take nothing for granted....happy to live this day with her....impatient for her happiness. jealousy still stings, but my brain knows better.

oh....im trying to quit smoking.

its going o.k.

2005-01-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

beware...

http://www.deviantart.com/view/14599336/

you're hidden, you're so so hidden, don't hide.

you take the placebo, just like everyone else.
you had a little more of it, and figured you make have found it out.
so don't be so anxious
dont trudge away from gravity
you're going crazy, and there's a way out of it
stay away from it

bulldozer smashing a wall

when we're around other people, you're too interesting to talk to, i'm shy, i apologize, and wait for you to say something first. there's something just too beautiful about you that makes me unsure. i have a little evil in me, and well sometimes i kill, to be killed. like a homocidal maniac, i just want someone to kill me, someone worthy. oh what a great end to Romeo and Juliet

the blind passions. in whatever work they do.

sleeping beauty sweethart inside alice in wonderland. and someone with aids is going crazy to have sex with anyone for the last time. she knows its wrong. she knows they could get aids, but shes fucked up and wants to fuck.

you are snow white innocence in a dreaded ending childrens movie. how fucked up.

at the end of beauty and the beast, there was no gay prince
there was no beast. a real man! woo.

i guess that's the trouble of beauty.
we both are.
and you couldnt love me anymore for it.

my favorite is aladin, its about freedom
Aladin and Abu, Genie, Jasmine, Iago ,Jafar, all had an adventure to freedom

the little mermaid is all about Jealousy
and the saddest is Peter Pan

Dream it all Away
casper is my child, for i am a ghost
walking down the golden street with you,
my love

2005-01-28T13:03:00.000-08:00

"Great Crushes"

some relatives are too good for you, because they are scared.

I enjoy watching the simpsons right now. Curious George turns into furious George, was a line said by somebody. And marge and Homer are at the most greatest stage of their romantics, marriage. It's sweet to think about.

I'm thinking about Adam Klemm. I feel a connection. I feel like his side is caving in, his lung is shutting down, and he's drowning. Suffering. Gripping his hardest , to survive. And he has souls to feed. And not just his. It's truely painful, because i can feel it too. This god of mine, this friend. With a connection I know him as an angel. Maybe that's why he once was reminded, we were his angels. damaged, and pure loving. to have a love for this world would to mean , we find it beautiful. but it's horrifying. frying our selfish corpses .
To winter, To Ashes.
we are cold, cold cold.
warm me,
for the dear, James Adam Klemm..wishing.

rapidly trying to get skinny. i feel my temple impouded, with the rest of the many starving. i am ungrateful with the bones iv'e been bearing to bend, into a tighter frame. my mouth is bloated. and my skin is red;inside the heated mist of the shower. i am burning the curtains, that are for hiding from the outside. their thick trunks, and glamours muscle, is the outcome of days and days of hard work. hungry for perfection, hungry for the empty, that will fill me, perfectly. breath-taking

gradually, i was slowly becoming less of an addict. as my body controllably compelled its own self . disgusted at the look of. my 3 addictions. a clockwork manipulation of anything. im hungry for, a dropkick clenching pain in my stomache. dizzy and going blind, and you're drugged too. what was going on i thought, going crazy for something. kind of like a butterfly.

gasp/a mouth full of the freshest oxygen/ the steamy heat of her breath/ spinning my eyes in circles / panting, "last forever" / steady in the best company / spine tingle, nervous / and i feel heavier / touch tastes right / scares me quite / do with me however, naked begger / passionate, aww / she / sexy and raw

whistling, 'simplistic'. i forget sometimes
when you try to quit, you'll want another cigarette.
you'll get broken into, so you'll get an extra water
i am all the beautiful trashy things, maybe more.
unlike you i cant comply
i need to be breaded and sauced to taste good
you can be plain and you're still the tastiest food
my stomaches been waiting.
lingeringer in me, hungry.
such a pretty little thing.

2005-01-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

2005-01-26T15:36:00.000-08:00

i like comments.

http://www.deviantart.com/view/14536979/

2005-01-24T23:35:00.000-08:00

youre too good too be true

2005-01-24T19:50:00.000-08:00

FUCK ME
UNTIL IT HURTS.

G L A M O U R O U S .

you make this world exciting, fresh, you are a drug. this one intesifying my emotions all the time, in each day...it's a higher time of the month when i look at things with a clearer aspect. though bloody. I'm addicted, i admit it. without you all of the time i just wont feel alive. i need you. i'd miss you. perhaps you're too much of a good thing but everyone wishes for thisheaven. promised. & love poems on greeting cards, come from people clearly on medication. and there;s just more things to talk about if your a happy person. you make me objectified. errectified, all my friends are sluts! take me seriously, in any way, and you are just BORED. with me? with me?

dont drag under, my desperate thunder. roaring for another.
outside i ponder about you, as the sky lights up pink
what is it about me, that fancys you? think. tell me
the honest thing as i ask a question now.
always have to excite the town, under your arrogant crown.
watch as i de-energize the kink in my icky poetry. watch me
suffer hungrily cause i'm picky. and i could stay unfinished all
my life, my body diminishes for you bride.
i try to shed an inch a day. to keep you mine.
an inch a day , to say iv'e tried.

her graffiti , worn in jeans
iv'e never placed my name there
i am fat
blurry

letters
you cant make out.

the deep red heart
looks too beautiful

to be missed by her,
for you

i get so jealous
i cant distinguish

which way hell is.

in an old aquaintance's room. sit and smoke. and reminise
and i could not be more happier that home is here. you're here with me, and you're near. yeah you stay near just like you used to. your kisses are the most comforting thing since birth. i love you and im beginning to feel at worth.

it's like trying to jump
through flaming hoops
its like trying to jump
through flaming hoops.

HATE MYSELF: a hate poem.

she's paranoid, and your crazy. Please calm down
i love you. What are you talking about?
i'm being irrational? you're being irrational!
Hey, will you... please stop!?
i love you
sh, be quiet
sh, be patient
There's a problem!
there's a problem?
Where...
there's a problem!
there's a problem!
a problem
a problem
a problem!

forget it, forget it. I'm sorry

she's just freaking out
and im just talking to myself.

"I'm Sory"
i'm sorry i find things ironic
i'll laugh, while you yell
if not yell then pursue to say im doing you wrong.

i agree to disagree

expect?
anything more
multiple people's cores are sore
from every freckle to every pore
i'm measure out your features
by inches, she flinches
my skeleton dances, too distant
ugly bone, ugly blood, ugly organ
ring the bell, test my cells
over and out
again.
ugly vein, bite right in
whatever changes my horrible weight,
the poison spills. she's deadly,
she doesn't want to kill
wants to pure all others
live, except her
she was bad blood
with authorized pills
bad blood bad blood
violent
love.

on his birthday, you'll kiss him
and execute me.
Take it. but do it passionatly.

2005-01-20T23:35:00.000-08:00

wasted / marya hornbacher

"The problem in your life is your body. It is defined and has a beginning and an end. The problem will be solved by shrinking the body. COntain yourself." (42)

"Nothing was so bad, I kept telling myself. Nothing that losing weight couldn't cure.
But I became less afraid, and there's the rub. One really ought to be afraid of self-torture. But it tempted me. It begged."(59)

" 'Do you want to get well?' they'll ask. You'll shrug and look at the scale, wondering how off it is, whether it will lie and tell them you weigh three pounds more than you actually do. You will be obliged to correct it, on principle, to save your soul, and for your pains you will find yourself with a new address, Eating Disorders Unit, Eighth Floor, having confirmed their suspicions, because who, with a pulse of forty-three and a systolic pressure careening in vertical swoops, gives a flying fuck if the scale is three pounds off? An anoretic, that's who. Does she care that she's dying? Hell, no." (81)

"You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all of the time, and you can't remember what it was like before.
...You begin to rely on the feeling of hunger, your body's raucous rebellion at the small tortures of your own hands. When you eventually begin to get well, health will feel wrong, it will make you dizzy, it will confuse you, you will get sick again because sick is what you know." (111)

"...we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how to not-need." (119)

"Through the looking glass I went, and things turned upside down, inside out. Words turned themselves around, and I heard things in reverse. Inside the looking glass, you become the center of the universe. All things are reduced to their relationship to you. You bang on the glass--people turn and see you, smile, and wave. Your mouth moves in soundless shapes. You lose a dimention, turn into a paper doll figure with painted eyes." (123)

"You've made a decision: You will not stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything, that you are not a slave to your body, you don't have to give in to its whining.
In truth, you like the pain. You like it because you believe you deserve it, and the fact that you're putting yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all rights, ought to do. You're doing something right... Your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. It is ascetic, holy. It is self-control. It is masochism, and masochism is pleasurable to many, but we don't like to think about that. We don't like to think that a person could have a twisted autoerotic life going on, be both a top and a bottom, and experience both at once: the pleasure of beating the hell out of a body shackled at the wrists, and the pleasure of being the body and knowing we deserve each blow." (124)

"The sickness occupies your every thought, breathes like a lover at your ear; the sickness stands at your shoulder in the mirror, absorbed with your body, every inch of skin and flesh, and you let it work you over, touch you with rough hands that thrill.
Nothing will ever be so close to you again. You will never find a lover so careful, so attentive, so unconditionally present and concerned only with you." (125)

"At the opposite pole of my brain there was a desire to throw in the towel at an early age. Turn over the survival instinct and you will find its wet white belly, the instinct that tends toward death. I felt no anger toward this instinct and, curiously, had little fear of it--not yet--and I turned into an ally in my little war." (134)

"I said, I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying I might have picked up some habits--
She said, Sweetheart, you didn't pick anything up. You just came this way.
...I had just come like this, with a peculiar tendency to self-destruct." (156)

"Think back to the fact that children, in their early years, teach themselves how to regulate moods, slow the careening train of anxiety as it clatters through the brain. It's not so uncommon for a person to simply teach themselves the wrong thing. Like me." (193)

"They held up a mirror and made me look.
I didn't want to look. The very simple fact that I'd been avoiding all along became, in the quiet hours, in the patient presence of people who bewilderingly cared for me, unavoidable: I hated myself and did not believe that I deserved to live.
...I did not know what lay beneath ths skin I wore. I didn't want to know. I suspected it was something horrible, something soft and weak and worthless and stupid and childish and tearful and needy and fat.
...I didn't want it to be me underneath. I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can't quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like a relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death. Without being entirely aware of it, I had settled on starvation as my torture of choice. When people think about killing themselves, they usually think about killing themselves with the least amount of pain, the briefest period of suffering. This is different." (204-205)

"In the mirror, my ribs thrust themselves forward through the skin, proud. In the mirror, my hands play them, a hollow instrument. My hands make their way to the sway of my back, snake down to press the twin knobs at the base. My hands, shy as hands meeting up with an old lover, tough lightly, in that breathless disbelief: Are you really there? Have you come back to me at last?" (243)

"It did not occur to me that I was too thin. After all, what is too thin? After all, you can never be too rich or too thin. But I stood in front of the mirror, saying, Maybe. Maybe thin enough.
This was a miracle. The absolute truism of eating disorders is that you never believe you are thin enough. Whereas most people set out to lose a few pounds--say five, ten, fifteen--and stop when they get there, the anoretic sets out to lose ten pounds and then says, well, maybe fifteen. She loses the fifteen, says twenty, loses the twenty, says thirty, loses thirty, says forty, loses the forty and dies. Oops. She hadn't really meant to die. She just wanted to see what would happen. Wanted to see how far she could go. And then she couldn't quite bring herself to break the fall." (245)

"In her presence, I was reminded again of why I was an anoretic: fear. Of my needs, for food, for sleep, for touch, for simple conversation, for human contact, for love. I was anoretic because I was afraid of being human. Implicit in human contact is the exposure of the self, the interaction of selves. The self I'd had, once upon a time, was too much. Now there was no self at all. I was a blank." (266)

"It does not hit you until later. The fact that you were essentially dead does not register until you begin to come alive. Frostbite does not hurt until it starts to thaw. First it is numb. Then a shock of pain rips through the body. And then, every winter after, it aches.
And every season since is winter, and I still do ache." (276)

"There is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.
...The experts say, What did you do before your eating disorder? What were you like before? And you simply stare at them because you can remember no before, and the word you means nothing at all." (279)

"Eating disorders provide a little private drama, they feed into the desire for constant excitement, everything becomes life-or-death, everything is terribly grand and crashing, very Sturm und Drang. And they are distracting. You don't have to think about any of the nasty minutiae of the real world...because you are having a real drama, not a sitcom but a GRAND EPIC, all by yourself, and why would you bother with those foolish mortals when you could spend hours and hours with the mirror, when you are having the most interesting sadomasochistic affair with your own image?" (281)

"Never, never underestimate the power of desire." (283)

"It's never over. Not really. Not when you stay down there as long as I did, not when you've lived in the netherworld longer than you've lived in this material one, where things are very bright and large and make such strange noises. You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." (285)

*

[ from self-injury.net self-injury.net ]

~

we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need

~

there is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. you want one and i want one, but there isn't one. it comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. and yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. there is no other way

~

there is a self-perpetuating belief that one simply cannot help it, and this is very dangerous. it becomes an identity in and of itself. it becomes its own religion, and you wait for salvation, and you wait, and wait, and wait, and do not save yourself. if you saved yourself, and did not wait for salvation, you'd be self-sufficient. how dull

~

in truth, you like the pain...your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. it is ascetic, holy. it is self-control. it is masochism, and masochism pleasurable to many, but we don't like to think about that. we don't like to think that a person could have a twisted autoerotic life going on...experience both at once: the pleasure of beating the hell out of a body shackled at the wrists, and the pleasure of being the body and knowing we deserve each blow

~

you begin to forget what it means to live. you forget things. you forget that you used to feel all right. you forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before. people take the feeling of full for granted. they take for granted the feeling of steadiness, of hands that do not shake, heads that do not ache, throats not raw with bile and small rips of fingernails forced to haste to the gag spot. stomachs that do not begin to wake up in the night, calves and thighs knotting in muscles that are beginning to eat away at themselves. they may or may not be awakened at night by their own inexpelicable sobs

~

the anoretic operates under the astounding illusion that she can escape the flesh, and, by association, the realm of emotions

~

"do you want to get well?" they'll ask. you'll shrug and look at the scale, wondering how off it is, whether it will lie and tell them you weigh three pounds more than you actually do. you will be obliged to correct it, on princple, to save your soul, and for your pains you will find yourself with a new address, eating disorders unit, eighth floor, having confirmed their suspicions, because who, with a pulse of 43 and a systolic pressure careening in vertical swoops, gives a flying fuck if the scale is three pounds off? an anoretic, that's who. does she care if she's dying? hell, no

~

the girl gets up each day and creates herself out of cloth and paint. she writes at night about men who looked, and boys who touched, and weight. she writes of the great weakness that drove her to the cupboard and made her eat. the writing is never enough. confession is insufficient. absolution never comes in the articulation, only in the penance. she thinks of the saints: their flagellums, their bed of nails, their centuries-late apologies for eve who doomed all women to the pains of the flesh by giving in to the pleasures of the flesh. they lacerate their own flesh in penance for eve, for the sins of the world wihich they shoulder as their own. they wear hair shirts, or razors next to their skin.

~

she reads books on the saints. the sainted anoretics, who, in thier holy ascetiscism, insisted that god was telling them to starve. she considers god. she determines he, if they were on speaking terms, would tell her to starve for general sins. the hair shirt is her own skin, rasping on the rawness of what lies beneath. she wills herself to rise above the flesh: not food, not sex, not touch, not sleep...the insomnia gives rise to mania, a racing of thoughts and sadistically vivid images flashing in the brain..the thoughts spiral upward, whitling shrill as a teakettle screaming inside the brain.

~

collective unconscious. our perpetual search for something that will be big enough to fill us has led us to a strange idolatry of at once consumption and starvation. we execute complicated vacillations...between self-worship and self-degradation, the pendulum swinging back and forth, missing the point of balance every time...

we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how to not-need

~

an eating disorder is not usually a phase, and it is not necessarily indicitive of madness. it is quite maddening, granted, not only for the loved ones of the eating disordered person, but also for the person herself. it is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. a gesture of strength that divests you of strength. a wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. it is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of "sick". it is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. it is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. it is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. these contradictions begin to split a person in two. body and mind fall apart from each other, and it is in this fissure that an eating disorder may flourish, in the silence that surrounds this confusion that an eating disorder may fester and thrive

~

and when, after fifteen years of bingeing, barfing, starving, needles and tubes and terror and rage, and medical crises and personal failure and loss after loss - when, after all this, you are in your early twenties and staring down a vastly abbreviated life expectancy, and the eating disorder still takes up half your body, half your brain, with its invisible eroding force, when you have spent the majority of your life sick, when you do not yet know what it means to be "well," or "normal," when you doubt that those words even have meaning anymore, there are still no answers. you will die young, and you have no way to make sense of that fact.
you have this: you are thin.

~

bulimia is linked, in my life, to periods of intense passion, passion of all kinds, but most specifically emotional passion. bulimia acknowledges the body explicitly, violently. it attacks the body, but it does not deny. it is an act of disgust and of need. this disgust and this need are about both the body and the emotions. the bulimic finds herself in excess, too emotional, too passionate. this sense of excess is pinned to the body. the body bears the blame but is not the primary problem. there is a sense of hopelessness in the bulimic, a well - fuck - it - all - then, i might as well binge. this is a dangerous statement, but the bulimic impulse is more realistic than the anorexic because, for all its horrible nihilism, it understands the body is inescapable.

the anoretic operates under the astounding illusion that she can escape the flesh, and, by assocation, the realm of emotions. the summer before i left for boarding school was the last time i would ever fully understand that i was a human being, and occasionally care about myself as such. i was about to become an anoretic. that is to say, i, the girl i knew as myself, was about to disappear. she was about to become no more than the blank space in the mirror where my body had once been. she was about to become no more than a very small voice.

however people know things about themselves, through premonitions or suspicions or specific plans, i knew this. and i was afraid. yet i wanted it more than anything.

~

for a long time i believed the opposite of passion was death. i was wrong. passion and death are implicit, one in the other. past the border of a fiery life lies the netherworld. i can trace this road, which took me through places so hot the very air burned the lungs. i did not turn back. i pressed on, and eventually passed over the border, beyond which lies a place that is wordless and cold, so cold that it, like mercury, burns a freezing blue flame.

~

i didn't particularly want to live much longer than [twenty]. life seemed rather daunting. it seems so to me even now. life seemed like too long a time to have to stick around, a huge span of years through which one would be required to tap - dance and smile and be great! and be happy! and be amazing! and be precocious! i was tired of my life by the time i was sixteen. i was tired of being too much, too intense, too manic. i was tired of people, and i was incredibly tired of myself. i wanted to do whatever amazing thing i was expected to do - it might be pointed out that these were my expectations, mine alone - and be done with it. go to sleep. go to a heaven where there was nothing but bathtubs and books.

~

i felt like i was going out of my mind. my head was never quiet. quiet is an in - between point, implying a balance between noise and silence, between the strange blackouts i began to have - pure silence, not sleeplike but deathlike - and the hellish shrieking jumble of my own thoughts and the voices of the world.

and the sharp hiss of one voice that started out softly, as though below layers of moss, or flesh, and gradually became so loud it drowned out everything else: thinner, it said. you've got to get thinner.

but you know, even then, that word was wrong. it is more than thinness, per se, that you crave. it is the implication of thin. the tacit threat of thin. the houdini - esque - ness of thin, walking on hot coals without a flinch, sleeping on a bed of nails. you wish to carry thinness on your arm, with her cool smile. you wish for that invisible, vibrating wire that hums between two lovers, implying a private touch. you wish for such a wire, humming between you and thinness, at a party, on the street, humming softly between you and death.

~

i'd read somewhere that if you made yourself a snow cave you could keep warm, the snow itself would keep out the cold of the snow, and i was so incredibly tired, willing my legs to keep walking. we were having a family outing and i didn't want to ruin it but i was so fucking cold. i wish i could find words to explain what this kind of cold is like - the cold that has somehow gotten in underneath your skin and is getting colder and colder inside you. it isn't an outside sort of cold; it's a cold that gets into your bones and into your blood and it feels like your heart itself is beating out the cold in hard bursts through your entire body, and you suddenly remember that you have a body because you can't ignore it anymore. you feel like an ice cube.

~

it is not a sudden leap from sick to well. it is a slow, strange meadner from sick to mostly well. the misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. there is not "cure". a pill will not fix it, though it may help. ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. you fix it yourself. it is the hardest thing that i have ever done, and i found myself stronger for doing it. much stronger.

~

it was not the first time i'd fallen. it wasn't even the first time i'd faded, slipped, and fallen, not the first time i felt my vision blur and dim. but before there had always been a few things to warn me: the knees buckle, the center of gravity dissolves and the arms feels like they've begun to float, the ears ring, the eyelids flutter. it's just like the movies. i could always see myself falling, i'd always known. this time it just went black.

~

malnutrition precipates mania. so does speed. both were at play here, in large doses. but so was masochism - the subjection of the self and/or body to pain and fear, ultimately resulting in a transitory sense of mastery over pain and fear. every morning, i ran five miles, up and down this hall, touching the door at each end, the mark of an obsession. i had to touch the door or else it didn't count. you make up these rules, and if you break the rules, god help you, you have to run an extra mile to make up for it. when i was done, i'd go downstairs to the workout room and weigh myself.

~

my bones are brittle, my heart weak and erratic, my esophagus and stomach riddled with ulcers, my reproductive system shot, my immune system useless... i'm not going to have a happy ending.

~

my god! people say. you have so much self - control! and later: my god. you're so, so sick. when people say this, they turn their heads, you've won your little game. you have proven your thesis that no - body - loves - me - every - body - hates - me, guess - i'll - just - eat - worms. you get to sink back into your hospital bed, shrieking with righteous indignation. see? you get to say. i knew you'd give up on me. i knew you'd leave.

~

run into the bathroom, turn on the fans, the shower, the tap in the sink, click up the toilet seat, swig both sodas, vomit. and vomit some more until your knees are too weak. when you stand up, they'll buckle, and you'll swing to the edge of the sink, holding on for dear life. dear life my ass. by november, you wish you were dead. you want nothing more. every day, every fucking day, you run up the steps of the house, breathing hard, swing open the cupboards, thinking: you pitiful little bitch. fucking cow. greedy pig. all day, your stomach pinches and spits up its bile. you sway when you walk. you begin to get cold again.

~
"while i waited i counted my bones. they were all still there. then i thought, my god. i straightened up, held the cold brick wall while the dizziness came in waves and washed away. i walked very slowly inside, placing my feet carefully on the floor. i went to the desk and signed myself in."

~

"you never come back, not all the way. always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."

~

"if i eat this apple sandwich in precisely twenty bites, no more no less, then i will be happy."

2005-01-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

i don't like the fact that you're empty.

i said i was happy, and i meant it!

when im with you, i know you make me feel complete.
the thing i'd like to know, is don't you ?

after all we've been through?
am i asking too much?
what the fuck.

to hold one and not make a smile. ill try till i fry.

2005-01-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

http://www.tatu.us/addicted/news.htm

2005-01-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

C'mon abuse me more I like it
http://www.deviantart.com/view/14287342/

2005-01-19T01:06:00.000-08:00

oh blivious

imissyou

2005-01-18T23:06:00.000-08:00

i have sexual tension right now this sucks. i should shoot myself in the face.

boom!

edit:
i dont even think anyone reads this journal.

boom!

2005-01-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

i am a fucking faggot. complex , you are a freak.

and i just took a moment
out of my life
to feel humiliated.

you were the seed
donated, against my victorious flight
my guardian, my lamp post
gratitude.
why cant i just be fearless?

once its been decomposed
once it is recycled
dont throw it away. you just might miss it someday
this garbage be broadcasted world wide
and there seems to be a lot of starving trash pickers
grabbing to lick her.

iv'e never been a prisoner of my emotions
this long to where i don't know what to do.
i blame, who made me forget some of it. i know
exactly why you're hurting me. anytime you can feel free.
and you can stop whenever. thank you for who you are.
you made me think ahead so far. and dig up some, secret
treasure.all of this i can measure. soon we'll be better.

i miss your nectar
and the shadows of dark trees
when we were on our feet
dreaming of the places we could be
and i left you to try once
and i found i could announce
the colours i truley was
and you accepted me. and we
sniffed glue a lot. and you loved me.
while find out you could cry too.
and im sorry you let me.
and it had to be about me.
and the things iv'e done, well
i just didn't know what it
would take of you. but i know now.

the lonely. wrinkled
shuffled man.
sits here night
after night
observing the life
he hasn't chased
the glares i face are saddening
to taste.
once he talked to me.
and it was brief
kind of creeping to me
now he sits on the edge
of the booth. with hands on both knees
and a blank slant, to his crooked
laughs at listening to the outsiders talk

do you know how hard it is not to lie?
i say i might not but i really do want to end it sometimes
you dont share so why should i?
chaser, chase.her. shots with a clever chaser
so she don't leave you
someone is forgotten
where the sidewalk ends
there's a curb and it bends
watch out if youre gonna step in
step off
to self absorbancy
do you not see me
waiting for the night to end
so i can sleep with you
skin inside skin in our bed
you're hot when im cold
so i know that you care
is it me that's there
within your heart there.
sometimes i know youre wrong
say you told me the truth
its you who's in you most of these nights
i lye on this neverending carpet floor
naked and starving
answer the door.
almost dead and waiting
singing, to stop crying. sing sing sing
banging and bruising the skin that is yours.

the carpets alone

your unconcious and cannot tell.

vinegar and salt
everything is my fault.

2005-01-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

i want to get high.

dontate pants to me.

I want the ocean right now I want the ocean right now
I get so jealous that I can't even work

there I am in the morning...I don't like what I see

2005-01-18T13:56:00.000-08:00

i find it admirably deep-seated to
watch the army cough and sneeze

hooves

then guess what? i said to myself you're so predictable

pure = stale
///
sacred = death
those words are mesh

rainbow pride. what is this
she holds me close i know shes fresh.
we're outside in the hail in our hair is gnarly wear. glitter
and she's a nit
-picker..; do me, fix !

i questioned because i didnt know.
what was purely scared >?
dream genious

ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ha! smile.

the tragedy of life is a pleasurable knife

if it happens if it
so let it.

i crack myself
every day
im thirsty for another
way
i slice myself &
i give you a piece
i grip you hard
and it's all i got.

unite frozen scream
held in infinite static
machina i say evolve

evol = love

"i think ill be sick if i have to spend one more day in the construction site"

i think ill be
sick
sick

anorexia nervosa, bulima bulima bulima , sea ]]]]]]]]]such beautiful analogy
a puking volcano. bisexual and devious

light-headed wonderland dizzy is my crotch.
my stomache is overjoyed and my bones are a block
from wednesday

lagging laggging.
dyke.. ..
Sir. Trite, stereotyped.
here i am

"if homosexuality is a disease
can i call into work gay?"

for as much as i can be for as long as i can.

dare.

constipated
sloth
turtle
snail

but i am a fish
infinite
see my intestines
impale

i devor my own shell
i resurrect
metamorphosis glued to my fossil

infinite circle

belly up
now float on.

2005-01-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

my feelings dont deserve paper
i want her to know im not a faker
but my face just doesn't express it
i look to my left and see him writing my name
in his little blue book, with spit
whatever is out there for me, i dont deserve it

melody, anxiety
harmony, fear
beautiful, cancer

pretty. clear. tension. surrounds

shes falling out of love.

she comes to me bearing pain
expecting smiles. and flower chains
she shows no sorrow around me; around him
but alone it's more dim
i smile, and i want to cry
cause the moment reminds me
how i had you. all mine.
then you bring him up. and i imagine
the sounds you engage, while im full of
rage. and it's something like soft moans
and a tongue, swiping, your graceful screen.
and the promises scream at me

how many weeks has it been
i want to know but i haven't
been seeming to keep up
in any substantial way

i still feel like im dreaming
a not so nice to me, dream.
or i died that dreaded month ago.
and my ghost's drifting on.

i want to pretend he's never touched
your body like that,
everytime i see it, my eyes shatter
and i am drained of spring.
and the thoughts of hope sting.
but i dont think she's going to stop
anytime soon.
i don't expect it. i can't. i couldn't.
what will it take of me. though
wake up. wake up.
whisper softly to me.
"youre the only one."

2005-01-14T01:08:00.000-08:00

unknowing my own intentions. i am lost.
look at all the people.
how amazing are you all? tell me
Don't you know it. i feel you, once again.
Rape me. I want it.
deadly are you people, and your tall tales you tell.

not sure what to do. in this bed, we've broken in.
Can I do you? I ask. We continue on, with lustful sin
You wiped my cum in my hair.
I believe you, when I'm there.
She makes my head spin. no one else has

she is my personal poison control
leave me, coward
i am the unfavored rainbow oil

there was something else you went and found
away from me. and onto him. him inside you.
you took him, and ran from this town.
ran from who you couldn't be around.
there is clarity in this fog.
on a pod is god
going under my mucus
you tear me apart. and brand my heart.
but my skin you could never
"intentionally" hurt. but i ask you.

didn't you say. you would do anything
for me. didn't you say, to build
a trust, but you. you need to rust.
I need to rebuild you. I need us.

2005-01-13T23:53:00.000-08:00

im tired of being tired .
im tired of being scared. im tired of no trust.

im tired; answers are so far away.

im scared
and i want to trust.

hopeless and weak, i need a fix.
murder? perhaps

2005-01-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

a
lone
ness

all day.

i space out with the cat on my day bed
we have become quite the cuddlers latley.

tell him you miss him.
.
.
and if you don't love me let me go.

.
.
.
.
.

im having a bad trip. a bad trip. just a bad bad trip
ill wait to see if i wake from it.
time talks dirty. i feel unworthy. and that my friends that's beauty.
.
.
.
.

im on her burning side.
i fear therest ofthe still air this minute claims
and the l o o k s.. my face may have disarranged?
.
.

embrace , i feel a face familliar and soft.
dry hump,
sh....
sh.....
.
.
.

smooth her out. here.
into good arms. take care. take care.
"check mate"
i am no one surrounding her for days.
.
.

those eyes telling him to touch
can he resist?
i dont want to exist.
fast pain medication.

third day masturbation.
fuck 'in. wondering.. wondering. wondering... ouch. ouch.
she is still smooth. but
she is slideshow of rape
pounding cum inside her. .
.
.

she is slideshow of want.
im on the bed beside them.
three of us wasted.
i watch
she be on top. [his smiling face.]
;my fragile state;
she knows not what she doesn't.
i will remain myself , and fold. .
.
.

he is slideshow of heartache
she is slideshow /passion past.
he is slideshow of beast
fucking us.

and nothing hurts more than that fuck
.
.
..
.
.
.
..

heart is the hate.

2005-01-11T20:36:00.000-08:00

imperfectperfectionist

slam shut
i deserve is all i get i am slave. i am slut.

love is razor.
torterous memories monsterous-what could could bees haunting

bodycage. anger.
you. feather. envy.

bodycage. shape the shell.
i have a price. i'll sell me. sell sell sell sell. $$$

he = nightmare. pressing gored rage.
insanity compassionate sufferage.
COMPACT. haunting haunting haunting

metallic green fawn queen.
we are no magnet
darque sea strangles
penetrates our pink triangle
used to .
be more.
involved.
attached.
aware.

i am no metallic, i am no green.
i am no colour. i am not even plain.

invisible is all i continue to contain.

is that. is that is that who's that?

he must have been special.
he must have be so so so that.

the world it goes
and nothing seems to await ,,,,imPUREtruth

black widow, not wanting to go near

[[slow and dark.]]

more complaints as i watch you get naked.

tweedle>dee>tweedle>dumb
look on the brighterside ofthings
"who ever would of thought life would hurt like this"

winter blossoms...i am no two-ones..just half
semen stains her petals.
fetus flower no power over me. you have no power over me. lost the labyrinth
, lost the turbulence. victorious date. with self. [un]vain work of myself.

lets make love. elec. trique. love. makes .stellar

we're dipping in now ,savor cravored-black
moh oh oh an.

let your god now stab you in the back.
let your god now
let your god now
let your god

bare naked and without dignity, i am trying. wont give up.

skin graft skin graft. cut and paste. gossamer above me

strained and dying, no explanation . try give patience.

find you
we embrace .
are our our obscene soul , foul waste

take it for granted. do you do you.
born again, fuck you.

adequate
bore

boyfriend
bull

haunting

cuntmunch happy chalice destroyMYpalace
inversion.worth.reverse

to be loved
pixiedelica to be loved onto the satelite

atomic overflow.

my garden. my garden. of fleas.

shrillshrillshrillshrill shrill shrill shrill shhh,,,rillllLL
[echoe.]echoe]echoe].echoe

2005-01-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

hmm ..?
http://seas.deviantart.com/journal/4267458/

2005-01-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

it's your naked body on white valour
but there's no feeling, just weight on you
but you get nauseous now, as he speaks to you
such proper language, for acts so cruel

you look like your mother, in that thin disguise
your parting mouth, your shining eyes

and the way that you hate me
and the length of your hair

you could easily go and make your own life somewhere
couldn't you...?

with the sun beams bright
but you keep your eyes shut
with the alarm clock lies

you're a bag of warm fluid
or you're the corspe in the class

you walk so near to your locker
you lay so low in the grass

but i saw you walking once, under powder blue skies
you looked cold still, your collar was high
and i tried to talk to you, but you walked right by
i don't know which i said then...hello or goodbye?

well we're all trying to be pure
but it isn't a very easy thing now is it?
to do...isn't it?

2005-01-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

she is a fawn.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/13876149/

2005-01-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

i bought my first pack of smokes today.

2005-01-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

i miss deedee, im sooo worried about her.

she also gave me the best birthday / new years eve iv'e ever had. thank you bumblebee. iloveyou.

2004-12-30T16:51:00.000-08:00

these pictures were taken almost nearly exactly a year ago. i just got them developed. innocence at its best. and this is what's left......

us, when we first were.

candles and cuts, when numb on vikodin

my legs in the bath

blurry denise

blurry cheryl lynn

crying denise

wax

tuff love

her lips

candle wax

denise while drinking probably.

a glass i angrily smashed being drunk a year ago.
beneathe, is the book "Cut".

click for more pictures:

2004-12-30T04:21:00.000-08:00

a story i have...this falls under a more transgressive, shock writing, and perhaps not so fictional while i'm at it. but a story....whatsoever.

critique is welcome. skip it if it starts to alarm you.

I have been doing research alot latley. About people. Insighting myself with their own pleasurable stories and dillusions of reality, and whatever else they have to say. I think about this while masturbating. Rubbing my clit violently and shaking my own bed. Hardly ever do I need to insert, to get off. I don't understand how some girls can't do it. Orgasm, I mean. I don't know, but now that just makes me think, maybe i do it too much. Latley about once a day Iv'e been doing it. I don't even know why, myself. Perhaps it consents I don't have to think about much, for say 5 minutes, tops. It's all about getting off to me, masturbating. And i can get off, in seconds. It's not so exciting or a very proud thing to think about. But i don't feel dirty yet. When i was younger, I used to feel dirty about doing it. I got older then i felt sexier about it. Cause I would be hit on more or occasionally asked in a unverbal way to carry out short favors for teenage boys I don't really find appealing. Being wanted, Used or for whatever reason still turned me on though. Then I felt dirty about it again for a while. I still moan like i would if I were having sex, just short and not as loud. And in a differant way. I breathe heavy, but..it feels spiritless. Right before i cum. I always think about how bad it's gonna taste after.
I think the reason I'm even doing it now is to get back in-touch with myself. I'm not sure though. It feels familliar, but it doesn't feel right. About 5 minutes ago, I gave myself a 10 second orgasm. I was thinking something angry about something. I'm not sure what it was. Before that, Denise popped into my head, it wasn't anything Angry about Her either. It's not important.
I do remember thinking How I'd have enjoyed getting her off more than myself though.And then I pictured being turned on when she slid her tongue in my belly button and french kissed it. And how before the break-up I could'nt stand anything touching it even, without flinching until whatever it was stopped. It still tickled me unconditonally. Not as much as it tingled though.
I wish tonight would have been differant. I wish she would have cared about the things I said to her on the phone. Instead of telling me her idea of things being better, another way, on the count of she's not good for me. Of course I'm not gonna just trash her feelings. But I'm concerned. And latley to just forget. You could say, I fuck myself.

2004-12-30T02:14:00.000-08:00

oh how very right you are color quiz, i hate you

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Feels the existing circumstances are hostile and is exhausted by conflict and quarreling. Wishes to protect herself and hides her intentions to avoid exposing them to attack, so that they will be safer and easier to achieve. Careful to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger her plans.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced tension and stress. Her attempt to escape from these consists of creating at least an outward semblance of peace by refusing to allow herself to be involved.

2004-12-30T02:11:00.000-08:00

i miss her.

2004-12-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

Your Existing Situation
Pursues her objectives and her own-self-interest with stubborn determination; refuses to compromise or make concessions.

Your Stress Sources
Is responsive to outside stimuli and wants to experience everything intensely, but is finding the existing situation extremely frustrating. Needs sympathetic understanding and a sense of security. Distressed by her apparently powerlessness to achieve her goals.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks freedom from problems and a secure state of physical ease in which to relax and recover.

Your Actual Problem
Wishes to safeguard herself against criticism and to entrench herself in a stable and secure position; but is herself inclined to be critical of others and difficult to please.

Your Actual Problem #2
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This sense of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and recover.

2004-12-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

it isn't as pretty as you'd like to have guessed.

2004-12-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

forget me not.