Thursday, December 30, 2004
these pictures were taken almost nearly exactly a year ago. i just got them developed. innocence at its best. and this is what's left......
us, when we first were.
candles and cuts, when numb on vikodin
my legs in the bath
blurry denise
blurry cheryl lynn
crying denise
wax
tuff love
her lips
candle wax
denise while drinking probably.
a glass i angrily smashed being drunk a year ago.
beneathe, is the book "Cut".
click for more pictures:
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 4:51 PM
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a story i have...this falls under a more transgressive, shock writing, and perhaps not so fictional while i'm at it. but a story....whatsoever.
critique is welcome. skip it if it starts to alarm you.
I have been doing research alot latley. About people. Insighting myself with their own pleasurable stories and dillusions of reality, and whatever else they have to say. I think about this while masturbating. Rubbing my clit violently and shaking my own bed. Hardly ever do I need to insert, to get off. I don't understand how some girls can't do it. Orgasm, I mean. I don't know, but now that just makes me think, maybe i do it too much. Latley about once a day Iv'e been doing it. I don't even know why, myself. Perhaps it consents I don't have to think about much, for say 5 minutes, tops. It's all about getting off to me, masturbating. And i can get off, in seconds. It's not so exciting or a very proud thing to think about. But i don't feel dirty yet. When i was younger, I used to feel dirty about doing it. I got older then i felt sexier about it. Cause I would be hit on more or occasionally asked in a unverbal way to carry out short favors for teenage boys I don't really find appealing. Being wanted, Used or for whatever reason still turned me on though. Then I felt dirty about it again for a while. I still moan like i would if I were having sex, just short and not as loud. And in a differant way. I breathe heavy, but..it feels spiritless. Right before i cum. I always think about how bad it's gonna taste after.
I think the reason I'm even doing it now is to get back in-touch with myself. I'm not sure though. It feels familliar, but it doesn't feel right. About 5 minutes ago, I gave myself a 10 second orgasm. I was thinking something angry about something. I'm not sure what it was. Before that, Denise popped into my head, it wasn't anything Angry about Her either. It's not important.
I do remember thinking How I'd have enjoyed getting her off more than myself though.And then I pictured being turned on when she slid her tongue in my belly button and french kissed it. And how before the break-up I could'nt stand anything touching it even, without flinching until whatever it was stopped. It still tickled me unconditonally. Not as much as it tingled though.
I wish tonight would have been differant. I wish she would have cared about the things I said to her on the phone. Instead of telling me her idea of things being better, another way, on the count of she's not good for me. Of course I'm not gonna just trash her feelings. But I'm concerned. And latley to just forget. You could say, I fuck myself.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 4:21 AM
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oh how very right you are color quiz, i hate you
Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.
Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction from sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Feels the existing circumstances are hostile and is exhausted by conflict and quarreling. Wishes to protect herself and hides her intentions to avoid exposing them to attack, so that they will be safer and easier to achieve. Careful to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger her plans.
Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced tension and stress. Her attempt to escape from these consists of creating at least an outward semblance of peace by refusing to allow herself to be involved.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 2:14 AM
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i miss her.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 2:11 AM
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Monday, December 27, 2004
Your Existing Situation
Pursues her objectives and her own-self-interest with stubborn determination; refuses to compromise or make concessions.
Your Stress Sources
Is responsive to outside stimuli and wants to experience everything intensely, but is finding the existing situation extremely frustrating. Needs sympathetic understanding and a sense of security. Distressed by her apparently powerlessness to achieve her goals.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks freedom from problems and a secure state of physical ease in which to relax and recover.
Your Actual Problem
Wishes to safeguard herself against criticism and to entrench herself in a stable and secure position; but is herself inclined to be critical of others and difficult to please.
Your Actual Problem #2
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This sense of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and recover.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 1:57 PM
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it isn't as pretty as you'd like to have guessed.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 1:50 PM
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
forget me not.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 11:39 AM
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