Saturday, January 29, 2005
denise wants me to quit losing weight, because my boobs are getting smaller. when they are already really small. i dont care, cause they're aliens, and one day i will get implants. and being thin is more important than being ugly. i am naturally deformed and i dont think my boobs even ammount to an A. i have always been pathetic personally, emotionally and appearance wise.
i punched a fence last night. i don't remember much of the night, this 31 year old mexican, who i had just met; that is a boyfriend of a friend, was smelling me for like 5 minutes. it was very akward. and i felt like i was causing problems. i remember getting very sad, for no suitable reason, and kristen saying i look like im gonna cry or i have to freak out. i replied , and walked out of the house, and ran in the snow two houses down , dogs were barking at me as i pissed in the snow and punched this fence until my knuckles bled. i did this twice. it was relieving for the time being i was not crying. then i walked in the street, smoked a bowl and went home to more nonsense.
i realized last night, why i dont have very many friends anymore.
why it doesn't hurt me. i think a lot of things.
then i forget them.
oh well,
everynight i dream of being a photographer. i wake up wishing for the kind of passion i just dreamt. but the world looks much greater in a dream.
last night i dreamed denise took me to brooklyn. i dont know what brooklyn looks like, but i wish i was there, right now.
adam's birthday party is tonight. denise just left with him to help decorate.
i feel it is becoming more depressing that no matter how hard i try i can not be in that place. i live for her smile, and his mere presences makes me feel like she is 16 again, like its easy.
iv'e grown away from the characters which chained me before. i dont know how it happened so fast, but i am replenished....curling my toes shyly. ....nervous habits....passion in my heart, just wanting the best for her....take nothing for granted....happy to live this day with her....impatient for her happiness. jealousy still stings, but my brain knows better.
oh....im trying to quit smoking.
its going o.k.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 1:59 PM
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