Saturday, February 05, 2005
alyssa says "I just cant like remember
anything anymore." i dont know what it is"
and i know it means she's unhappy
with her life. because i am too
there once was an exstacy, that was so
fresh, so always there. always around.
and drugs didn't bring me down.
maybe i didn't even need them.
i want to ache on the outside
and pull the skeleton out of
the bag.
leaving
the soul trapped in,
and my skin and face
more attractive
my framework, and life
is an extension that exhausts
this fever.
im waking with nightmares
im in love
i need to let go of myself
numbly i dont care about anything that has to do with me
i care too much.
waking with nightmares when i tried
so hard to sleep
i need to let go of myself.
hate feeling this weak.
house doesnt feel like home
you , you are stone.
garfield avenue. i miss you
room, window, stairs, street
now my bed feels square
i dont like it there
i miss leaving
and coming back
walking to see you
smiling as meeting
you half-way
where all the passion was
you are a stone fox
i too am in a box
a dream, and nothing feels sane and drugs don't do, but down
and regression is a routine session
if i had a wish, it would be to have the power
to make her smile.
contently
sincerely
blissfully
securely.
When the clouds are moving
she smiles, and i can't help
but hug her.when she's high,
she's smiling. what makes her smile? it's not very often
and lion treats us as if we're better-in both good and bad ways
ways that hurt and ways that are splendid.
he's searching for courage
and he has friends that are searching for a brain.
"oh how i wish i had a brain." he sings.
and dorthy is searching for a home
who is searching for heart?
i dont know, but i'm happy right now
if smiling is what she wants, then what does she want?
you need to stop hurting yourself. go home, and
sleep. go home and fix it. i'll lie in bed with you.
i just need a little oil to work this tin frame.
i just need a little time to find what's mine
do you really want to stay this time?
do you feel my betrayment-
i was damn sent
pulled from the green world. the blue earth.
with clouds and a sun
into infancy of torture
then satan the serphant(the one i seen in my dreams) said, "you can have knowledge"
and then he showed me truth.
after a splendid
decision of torture
was placed in the very lens of my glasses.
on some occasions i am blinded. experiance death over
and over. coming back and re-living. dying over
and over. killing my own self. that's why i deserved it.
then god had made a sacrifice.
one himself, not just his son. and he battled
and battled on and on. until one day she realized
i am god. my name is god.
i am sheryl. my name is sheryl.
i can defeat this pain
i have knowledge and there is love, i found it. -it was
like a faint dream, but i know its out there
"coincidence?" she thinks,
-doubting
and so she goes to find her god
and this is love, she
explains
AND THIS IS LOVE, SHE
exclaims.
with enough energy that pours from your
veins, karma has sent me this way
sleeping, my fate is to dream.
on , and on, and on, and on.
special note: special quote: "Love is Forever" - denise van wert.
I WANT TO KILL ALL YOU PEOPLE
because i love you all TOO much.
it
is
bad
to
envy.
it
is
good.
,that's great.
And I say maybe it's just an infinite wall
You all look so delicious right now
i starve
because you people make me
disgusted
but you're pride, just says i'm wrong.
GOD, DO I HATE BEING WRONG!
and god do i hate how you beat me.
up. so i defend. and glory.
doesn't rain or reign
you get so excited sometimes
and i laugh cause im happy
you say you see past it
and im really laughing at you.
i say baby you're wrong
baby, encouraging that
your skeleton is alive
your skin is tender
your brain is crazy!
wow, and it blows mine.
and so, and i want to kill all of you
send you away to a greater
dream . and i'll be less hungry. to help it. or help.
and i feel sick. and they say, yep this one's sick
"put some blood in her"
MORE....
BAD....
....BLOOd.
fingerdownYOURthroat:
shaking in a closet... my arms. my legs.
"not
long-
enough"..."Fuck, fuck, fuck." head, agony.
whisp, wimper, tender, whisp
whisper,I love ALL TOOmuch.
title:for the car i do not have-"such a small word is m u c h."
stop
thinking
of ways to
escape.
and just flow
is something
im beginning to understand
and i wished you'd
understand.
to work out
we both wanna get there
loose this heavy weight
this heavy feeling
artistescape, dont be an escape artist now
be with me, and let go. i will row, and you can
relax.
just
stop
escaping
lovely
lady
d.
people say it's a worse thing if you have Bulimia. cause it's like a virus. it just jumps right into you without your control/consent. you don't mean for it to happen , or even start before you started. first you starve yourself, then...you get sick. and sicker even more, if it doesnt stop. I used to be athletic, every day before i woke really early to go to basketball I would eat one chicken burritto, the 30 cent kind. it looked disgusting, but disgusting tasted good. i wouldn't eat again till i came home at 4, and swam laps until 7;30-9. and ate, and then played soccer until 2 in the morning, then i grew up around my friends and it was hard to make new friends. i got ugly, before i ever got fat. they starved me attention..i was a ghost, and when people noticed me, I glared.
at home i threw up ramen noodles in the 7th grade.
all my life
iv'e lost and lost
and lost.
GrOW.
dear denise and adam:
yeah, i know you know how much pain we are all in, but i just think we put this on ourself. we all did something we blame ourselfs for, to get to this point. But that's also why we're all still friends. we blame ourself. and we all care. care about everything. we're exhausted about it, so it brings us down all the time. kendra said, i believe if anyone can change the situtation, you have the power to overcome it, stop it.
she'd tell that to all of you. and it's true.
so im forcing myself to stop downing people, i'm trying to be a charm. I fuck up.
cause you guys are hard work. we're all in bad shape. but if we were immature, if we all didn't fit somewhere on the same level, sincerely, i wouldn't be touched. i know, i once was grief, and i don't know if i will be again. but right now i just want you to know. i love you. i care. i'm there.
- the fish.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 6:01 PM
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