Wednesday, February 23, 2005
i went to bed last night thinking about sweet death. i woke up this morning, and the very first thing, and only thing i thought about for a half hour is how bad i want to die. i went outside for my cigarette, and looked at the sun painted snow, off my apartment balcony, and wished i wasn't so pathetic to just think about this. to maybe actually do something about it. do something for myself. i thought about like twenty ways i could kill myself, then my mom asked me if i wanted to go to ponderosa for lunch. i didn't really want to go, but i didn't feel like making food. i sat there eating chicken, thinking of everything my poor life amounts to. and how i do nothing to change it. my eyes started teering up, over those damn memories that haunt me again. over him. over him and her. mostly him. i wished i could understand my own feelings. i wished i didnt dwell on something i want to kill. reading your journal, i have nothing to look forward to read. important stuff first. lastly is you wallowing in hopelessness. i dont even think you read mine. no you must not, i dont know.... i keep thinking maybe i should just leave things. i dont want everything to be up to me. you have to realize that in your mind you have to change things. and if that doesnt work you have to try something else. i can only imagine your alternatives, and the people you face are dreadful to want to feel anything for. you feel you give enough already, but really you have the advantage. i keep thinking maybe i should just leave things. this town isn't big enough for the both of us. i should just leave it...before things get more intensly out of hand, before i dont have nothing left. i know if i left i'd only be fucking up my future more. i'd have less than i have now. i think about sweet death. im thinking about what i really really want. trying to liven one of my dead dreams. i dont know which should come first.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 1:08 PM
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