Friday, March 04, 2005
iv'e been TRYING to think positive latley. it's so hard, because i don't feel there IS much i can be positive about. I wish i had friends, so i would have something to do most of the time. I wanna go smoke a bowl, but i wanna save it to smoke with someone. Or until i have something to do. When i see people latley I feel like i have nothing to talk about. even with deedee sometimes. I really need to change. I really need to change something. I seriously don't know who I am anymore.
apparently my brother is moving out next month I hear. I forgot when our lease is due, but I am looking forward to it, looking forward to having my own bedroom, probably just for a couple months. I hope it will be some kind of start for my emotions stabalizing.
apparently I have tonsilitis with something else. Iv'e been given this cough syrup with just guifenessen and codeine in it, i wish i could extract the codeine.
Iv'e been sitting home ALOT latley. sleeping, taking baths, trying to pass time. I wish someone would call me.
my mom started crying today at my case management appointment, saying she doesnt know what is wrong. and that she feels lost, and all of this. I feel bad because I feel very lost right now, and although that makes me feel a little not so alone, I dont think it's a very good thing for anyone to feel like that. I got my test results back , tammy said they were the highest she has ever seen which isn't good. my panic, my pyschoses, suicidal level, violence, depression, is all very very high.
I'm surprised she didnt try to send me to the mental hospital again.
I picked up job apps yesterday. I really really need a job.
I have so much anxiety latley, I'm scared to be around people.
In general I'm very very scared.
I remember when I could tell myself things cant get worse. i know now that no matter how bad things are it can always get worse. and most likley will.
i miss my old house.
i promised deedee i would take her to prom this year.
the hard part is getting someone to take us, we need guest passes from someone
that goes to a regular highschool. so if anyone can help me out, you could say i definatly owe you one.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 2:08 PM
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