Friday, May 12, 2006
i dont know what i care about currently.
i feel very wasteful latley.
it normally doesnt bother me that im not speaking when I should be.
but latley iv'e been overdoing it. and so it's beginning to get even under my own skin. i live in this little world of mine where i feel i need to be polite or considerate to even the people clawing at my skin, i know i dont have anything good to say, so i have been taught to just not say anything. i feel i have to do this ritual to even my own self. for no particular reason. and my heart just doesnt have any spring to it anymore. i am dispirited. nothing will open me.
so iv'e been talking to myself. when im not talking to any of you
ive been thinking to myself how i could use an angel. so i asked the air for one.
so far. still no angel.
the only things i want to do latley are alone or with just deedee.
nothing i do satisfies me though. and if it does. if i smile.
im usually contaminated with the fact that it doesnt deserve me. im not sharing it with anyone.
so like deedee i really do want to have a good friend again. i need one.
theres a few friendships i still could care for. but they are out of reach at the moment.
the particular kendra i feel as a burden to. last time we came over. denise only got a welcoming hug. i got one when i left..but not so sure i even cared. i feel that this apartment thing has changed her some. not alot. just a little bit.and at first i was scared to see her walk away from her home. because i know what it's like to switch homes. as for now i dont like coming over and sitting for long hours in her apartment with all of her and ariana's friends that they a l w a y s see. because it is so hard for me to see her. like it has always been. so when i am actually there and i dont feel recognized the excitement dissapears quite fast. i am not actually sure if it has anything to do with kendra as a person. i think i will always like kendra and miss kendra and need my kendra doses. there is something too deep about it that i cant explain.
denise wants to go to the anti-prom party.
i have to close tonight ,,ive been extremely tired latley.
i dont know if i want to see her , or anyone. in that matter
if i do. i would like to choose who i see for once.
but i know it wont turn out like that.
and
there is nothing to do to change who i am over night.
iv'e been dying to go to an NA meeting for about 2 weeks. I wont be able to go until next week. I got to work through sunday and im pretty sure I got an 11 to close of monday next week. I hate how they give me practically all of my hours in one or two fucking days.
I didn't babysit this week and I owe Angela money that she loaned me.
So far it's been two weeks that Iv'e paid my mom. and neither of us mentioned anything about it.
I'm gonna need money at the end of the month and I'm scared I wont have any.
i need you to need me. not to feed me.
A lie and a farce and a fake;
x 7:17 AM
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